Crazy As A Fox

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 9 of BABY HEISTER, after Kelsey gets expelled from school for beating the shit out of the jock bully that fucked with her, Doc puts his foot down and insists she get a job ...


INT. DOC'S FARMHOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Doc stares at Kelsey.
Pointing at her. Livid.
Beyond upset.

DOC
God-DAMMIT, Kelsey.
How could you get expelled
ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL?

KELSEY
I told you.
It was self-defense.

DOC
You broke the kid’s NOSE.

KELSEY
He shoved me UP AGAINST A WALL.
Called me a CUNT.

DOC
Then you cursed out THE PRINCIPAL.
What the fuck, Kelsey?
What were you THINKING?

KELSEY
I told you.
I don’t WANNA go to school.
I don’t BELONG there.
I wanna be a HEISTER.

DOC
We’ve already discussed this.

KELSEY
If YOU won’t teach me,
I found someone who WILL.

DOC
Oh?
And who is that?

KELSEY
Ray Stark, that guy at the wake.
Saw him again at
The Lounge last night.
Nice guy.
Offered to help me out.

DOC
I don’t trust him.
There’s something fishy about him.
Nobody at the funeral knew him.
I want you to stay away.

KELSEY
What if I say no?

DOC
If you’re gonna live in MY house,
you stay away from him --
and get a JOB.

KELSEY
A JOB?

DOC
Well, if you’re not
gonna go to school,
you’re gonna have
do SOMETHING.

KELSEY
What kinda job
can I get around HERE?

DOC
Drove by The Stop N’ Gulp today.
Saw a Help Wanted sign.

KELSEY
The Stop N’ Gulp?
Are you fucking CRAZY?

DOC
Crazy as a fox, Kelsey.
(beat)
Crazy as a fox --

School Daze

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Hump Day. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 8 of BABY HEISTER, things get more than a little violent when wannabe bank robber Kelsey Hazard faces off with the school bully ...


INT. HIGH SCHOOL CORRIDOR - DAY
Kelsey walks down the corridor
weaving in and out of
the stream of students.

Johnny Rodman and his HULKING FRIEND
appear in front of her. He SHOVES her.

JOHNNY
What the FUCK were you trying to pull?
Do you know who the FUCK I am?

KELSEY
(calm, cool)
Judging by your limited brain power,
your attire -- and the fact
that you’re a rude fuck,
I’d say you’re REALLY popular,
maybe even the football captain.

JOHNNY
Uh, yeah --

KELSEY
So let’s make a deal.
You stay the FUCK outta my face,
and I won’t fuck with yours.

HULKING BRUISER
Are you gonna let her
GET AWAY with that?

A small crowd of students
starts forming around them.

JOHNNY
WHAT did you say to me?

KELSEY
You heard me.

Johnny GRABS her.
SHOVES her up against a locker.

JOHNNY
NOBODY talks to me like that,
you fucking CUNT. GOT IT?

Kelsey sighs. Shakes her head sadly.

KELSEY
I warned you --

She grabs his hands, THROWS them off her --
then, almost faster than you can see,
she RABBIT-PUNCHES him in the face, SMACK.

He weaves a little.
Blood starts GUSHING out his nose.

JOHNNY

Uh --
Kelsey then POUNDS him in the stomach
with a left, then a right.

He DOUBLES OVER in pain.
She reaches over.

GRABS his hair.
Lifts his head.
Looks him in the eye --

KELSEY
Hold on. Not quite done yet.

And KNEES him in the crotch.
He SQUEALS like an animal.

DROPS TO HIS KNEES. Kelsey turns.
Looks at his friend.

KELSEY
You want some?

HULKING BRUISER
Uh, no -- no.
(sees something)
Shit.

Just then THE PRINCIPAL (40’s) appears.
A really big fella.

Beyond pissed off.
Face beet-red with suburban indignation.

PRINCIPAL
What’s going ON here?

KELSEY
What does it look like?
He was fucking with me,
so I fucked with him.

PRINCIPAL
There is NO FIGHTING in MY SCHOOL.
I want to see both of you
in my office, RIGHT NOW.

KELSEY
(under her breath)
Class dismissed --

Dream Catcher

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 7 of BABY HEISTER, wannabe bank robber Kelsey Hazard attends her first day of high school at her new school, and runs afoul of a 'popular kid' bully ...


EXT. CHAPARRAL HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
Blinding bright sunlight.
Gorgeous mountains in the background.

A quaint, Spanish mission-style
building on well-tended grounds.
The exact opposite of ‘urban.’

STUDENTS stream into the building,
excited, chattering with each other
on the first day of the new school year.

They’re mostly fresh-scrubbed
crunchy-granola types.

Kelsey appears at end of the walkway.
Looks out of place in her motorcycle jacket,
black jeans and boots.

She sighs. Stomps out her smoke.
Starts walking toward the building.

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
A bright, nicely appointed
classroom filled with kids.

WELCOME BACK is written on
the green blackboard in white chalk
in perfect cursive lettering. An omen.

MRS. POTTS (50’s), the teacher,
is a plump earth mother of the desert.

And she’s got the Native American
jewelry to prove it.

Not to mention the
‘dream catcher’ earrings.

MRS. POTTS
Good MORNING, class.
Welcome back to Chaparral High.
I know you’re all really excited
to be back for your senior year --

The door BANGS OPEN.
In walks Kelsey. Sullen.

Still wearing her shades.
She walks over.
Hands Mrs. Potts a slip of paper.

MRS. POTTS
(reads it)
Ah, yes --
(to the class)
Everyone, this is Kelsey Hazard.
She’s just transferred
here from Venice Beach.
I hope you’ll all make her
feel real welcome.
(to Kelsey)
Why don’t you find a desk
and make yourself comfortable, Kelsey.

She nods. Starts walking toward
the back of the classroom.

A PAIR OF JOCKS
Watch her. Whisper to each other. Snickering.
One of them sticks his leg out to trip her.

KELSEY
Sees it out of the corner of her eye.
Approaches his desk.

STEPS on his foot with her
steel-toed boot. LINGERS a moment.

RED-FACED JOCK
OW.

KELSEY
Whoops. Sorry.
You should be more careful.
Someone could get HURT.

She PRESSES her full weight down,
steps off, and walks to an empty desk.

Sits. Smirking. Mrs. Potts sees this.
Gets upset.

MRS. POTTS
Johnny Rodman.
Is that any way to greet a new student?
Shame on you. Apologize to Kelsey, RIGHT NOW.

JOHNNY
(sarcastic)
Sorry, Kelsey.

KELSEY
(under her breath)
Not half as sorry as you’re gonna be
if you fuck with me again.

MRS. POTTS
What was that, Kelsey? I didn’t hear you.

KELSEY
I SAID -- not half as sorry as you’re
gonna be if you FUCK with me again.
(beat)
He tried to fucking TRIP me.
What kinda bullshit is that?

MRS. POTTS
I don’t know what kind of language
you got away with at Venice High,
but NOBODY talks like that in
MY classroom. Do you understand?

Kelsey nods. Gives her a salute.

KELSEY
Won’t happen again.
(whispers)
Bitch.

A couple of BLAND-LOOKING CHEERLEADER TYPES
lean over. Whisper to each other.
Sniff disapprovingly.

MRS. POTTS
Very well.
(takes a breath)
Okay. Homework assignment.
I’d like you all to write an essay tonight
about what you did on your summer vacation.
And then tomorrow you’ll read them aloud
in front of the class.
(beat)
Doesn’t that sound like FUN?

Have Robbery, Will Travel

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 6 of BABY HEISTER, Kelsey goes to a local dive bar where she meets interloper Ray Stark, who offers to show her the bank robbing ropes ...


EXT. DOC'S FARMHOUSE - NIGHT
The house and the yard look spooky.
Ethereal in the moonlight.

A harsh desert wind
whips through the yard.

The front door OPENS.
Out comes Kelsey.

Rakish in her usual uniform.
This time with a slash of red
on her mouth.

She walks over to Doc’s pickup truck.
Gets in. Drives off.

EXT. DIVE BAR - NIGHT
The kinda joint only
the locals hang out at.

A row of motorcycles gleam
ominously under the dirty,
old neon sign that reads LOUNGE.
Faint music bleeds out from within.

Doc’s pickup pulls in.
Finds a space. Kelsey gets out.

SLAMS the door.
Saunters toward the entrance.

INT. DIVE BAR - NIGHT
Dark and smoky.
The kinda place your momma
warned you about.

BLUE COLLAR WORKERS, BIKERS
and other assorted riffraff.

A pair of BRUISERS play pool.
Kinda quiet on a Sunday night.

Kelsey sidles up to the bar.
Slides onto a stool.

The FREAKISHLY LARGE BARTENDER
spies her. Comes over.
Smiles. Not a pretty sight.

FREAKISHLY LARGE BARTENDER
Whataya have?

KELSEY
Double shot of Kessler’s.
Heinekin back.

He nods. Turns to get her poison.

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
I figured you’d be more of a
Jack and Bud kinda gal.

Kelsey, turns, sees --

RAY STARK
Sitting on the stool next to her.
Nursing a tumbler of scotch.

Eyes twinkling with mischief.
Or danger. Maybe both.

KELSEY
You’re the guy from the wake.

Freakishly Large serves her drink.
She slide over a bill.

He SNAPS it up in a meaty paw.
Lumbers over to the register.

RAY
The guy from the wake. Wow.
Nice to know I’m that memorable.

KELSEY
So I forgot your name.
Well, I’m SORRY, but when you
just went to your parents’ FUNERAL,
sometimes your MEMORY’S not so GOOD.

She grabs her shot glass.
POUNDS it. Grabs her beer.

Takes a big gulp. Turns around,
facing the other direction.

RAY
Hey, I’m sorry.
I was just busting your chops.
You had a stressful day.
Probably met a lot of corny,
old colorful criminal types.
I’d be cranky, too.

Kelsey turns back.
Narrows her eyes.
Is this guy for real?

RAY
Let me buy you a round.
Make it up to you.
No hard feelings?
(raises his drink, low)
One heister to another --

Her eyes flicker.

KELSEY
Okay.
(trying to be casual)
So you used to work with my parents?

Ray motions to the bartender
for another round.

Pulls out a pack of smokes.
Lights one up with a CLICK
of his Zippo.

RAY
Long time ago.
When they were first starting out.
Did a couple jobs with them.

KELSEY
Wow. Cool.

RAY
First and only time I worked
with a married couple --

KELSEY
What were they like to work with?

RAY
Total pros. Cool as cucumbers.
(sips his drink)
Is it true they never got caught --
until the last job?

KELSEY
Yeah. My grandfather, too.
(sips her beer)
He’s retired now.
But I guess you knew that.

RAY
(nods)
So I guess you’re now living with him --

KELSEY
Yeah. And it fucking sucks.
I asked him to teach me, but he refused.
He’s making me finish school.
I’d rather fucking DIE.

Ray’s eyes flicker.
He takes a long sip of his cocktail.

Takes a drag of his cigarette.
Squints through the smoke.

RAY
Maybe one of these days
I could show you a thing or two.

KELSEY
You mean it?

RAY
From where I sit, it looks like
you’ve already got your mind made up --
and nothing’s gonna stop you.

Kelsey smiles.
It lights up her face
like we haven’t seen.

KELSEY
Damn straight.
(beat)
Thanks, uh --

RAY
Ray Stark, at your service.
(beat)
Have robbery, will travel.

Illegal Guardian

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday the 13th. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 5 of BABY HEISTER, Kelsey tries to get her grandfather to teach her how to rob banks, but he refuses, despite her pleadings to work in 'the family business' ...


INT. DOC'S FARMHOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Doc sits in ‘his chair.’
Kelsey sits on the couch,
next to Jo, asleep.

They’re watching a movie
on TV, eating popcorn.

ON THE SCREEN
We see a scene from
Stanley Kubrick’s THE KILLING.

A gang of MASKED THUGS
are robbing a race track.

Then, a station break.

Some LOCAL CAR SALESMAN comes on,
hawking prices 'nobody can beat.'

KELSEY
Looks at Doc.

KELSEY
So how come you don’t want me
to be in the family business?

DOC
It’s a hard life, Kelsey.
It’s no place for a young woman.

KELSEY
But what if it’s what I wanna DO?
(off his look)
Nothing you can say is
gonna make me change my mind.

DOC
Oh, is that right?
What about what happened
to your parents?

KELSEY
They were careless.
I’ll be smart.
It’s in my blood, Doc. My DNA.
If I had to be cooped up in
an office doing some meaningless shit,
I’d fucking shoot myself.

DOC
You think it’s noble, cool --
like in those books you read.
But it’s not. It’s a living hell.
I still have to watch my back.
Even though I'm retired,
there's always a chance
someone will turn up
from the past and cause trouble.
Someone who thinks
they got a raw deal --
or wants to steal my stake.
And then there's the law.
Any day now some cop
could come snooping around --
and I’ve gotta live with
that the rest of my life,
always looking over my shoulder.

KELSEY
But if you did it and my
PARENTS did it, why can’t --

DOC
Because I’m your legal guardian now,
and while you’re living in MY HOUSE,
you’re gonna go back to
school and get your degree.
Tomorrow morning Jo is
taking you to school
and get you registered.
I want you to have the chance
that none of us had. GOT it?

KELSEY
But I don’t wanna DO that.
It’s not FAIR.

DOC
FAIR? LIFE isn’t fair.
Griff and Chelle are DEAD.
Is THAT fair?
(looks at the TV)
Now hush up.
Movie’s coming back on.

Kelsey scowls.
Face a dark cloud.

Death Proof

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 4 of BABY HEISTER, Kelsey, Doc and Jo and a motley crew of bank robbing 'co-workers' attend Griff and Chelle's funeral. Then moments later at the wake, Doc meets Ray Stark, a shady-looking stranger who claims to have 'worked' with them ...


EXT. CEMETERY - DAY
Very old. Some graves and
crypts overrun with vines.

A pair of BLACKBIRDS
sit on a tombstone, watching --

A FUNERAL in progress.
A cluster of MOURNERS DRESSED IN BLACK
surround a pair of freshly-dug graves.

Twin high-end CASKETS sit inside them.
Piled with bouquets of flowers.

Jo holds onto Doc, stoic, both
dressed in their Sunday finest.

Kelsey stands next to them.
Looks out of place in black leather,
denim and mirrored shades. Smoking.

The MINISTER (50’a)
stands near the casket.

More than a few of the MOURNERS
look a little shady.

That’s because they are,
being Hazard family coworkers.

CAMERA
Finds one of them,
standing off to the side.

Tall and dark. Like Kelsey,
wearing a black motorcycle jacket
and shades.

Meet RAY STARK (35).
Think a RESERVOIR DOGS-era Michael Madson.

Tough-looking, with that air of danger.
He lights a cigarette with a
CLICK of his Zippo.
Blows a cloud of smoke.

KELSEY
Turns her head. Looks at him.
Then back at the caskets.

CLOSE ON --
Her face. A tear slides down her cheek.

EXT. DOC'S FARMHOUSE - BACK YARD - DAY
The joint is filled with MOURNERS
from the funeral.

But now the mood is different.
It’s a traditional wake. They’re
laughing, drinking, reminiscing.

Jo walks around with a tray,
passing out snacks.

Doc stands behind the bar making drinks.
Ray slides up to the bar.

Lights up a smoke.
Looks at the crowd. Then at Doc.

RAY
Pretty good turnout.

DOC
I don’t think we’ve met.

RAY
(puts out his hand)
Ray Stark. You must be Doc.

DOC
(takes it, shakes)
What are you having?

RAY
What kinda scotch you got?

DOC
Johnny Walker Blue.

RAY
(nods)
Neat.

Doc nods. Turns, gets the bottle,
a glass, pours one.

Hands it to him. Ray takes it.
Takes a sip. Nods. Winces.

DOC
How did you know Griff and Chelle?

RAY
Worked together a couple of times.

DOC
Funny. Don’t remember
ever hearing your name.

RAY
It was awhile ago --

DOC
I’ve got a pretty good memory.

Kelsey sidles up to the bar
with an empty beer bottle.

KELSEY
Can I get another?

Doc nods. Grabs a bottle.
POPS it open. Hands it to her.

She takes a long slug.
Wipes her mouth with her sleeve.

RAY
You must be Griff and Chelle’s daughter.

KELSEY
Who wants to know?

DOC
This here’s Ray Stark.
Says he used to work with your parents.

KELSEY
You’re a HEISTER?

Ray makes a keep it down
motion with his hand.

RAY
Careful. You don’t know
who might be snooping around.

KELSEY
Sorry.
(low)
What was it like
to work with my parents?

JO (O.C.)
Kelsey? Could you come help me?
I need to make some more
pigs in a blanket.

Reveal JO.
Standing nearby with an empty tray.
Kelsey sighs. Looks at Ray.
Then Doc, who gives her a look.

KELSEY
Sure thing.

She finishes her beer.
Puts the bottle on the bar.

Follows Jo toward the house.
Ray watches her go.

RAY
That’s quite a fine filly.

DOC
She’s eighteen.

Ray smiles secretively.
Sips his scotch. Eyes flicker.

RAY
Looks more like her mom
than her dad, don’tcha think?

DOC
You stay away from her. Hear me?

RAY
Hold on there, cowboy.
If I didn’t know better,
I’d think you were threatening me.

DOC
Now you’re catching on.

Me Rob You Long Time

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Veteran's Day. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 3 of BABY HEISTER, a Japanese Yakuza gang interrupts Griff and Chelle's bank robbery, killing them as they take off with the loot. Meanwhile, Kelsey's grandmother Jo gets a phone call giving her the bad news about Kelsey's parents' death, exposing the big family secret ...


EXT. BANK - DAY
A JAPANESE GANG ON MOTORCYCLES drives by,
bikes dripping with stolen loot.

They SCREECH to a halt.
Turn their heads.

JAPANESE GANG LEADER
Sees what’s happening.
Turns to his Second-In-Command.

JAPANESE GANG LEADER
Looks like our lucky day.

SECOND-IN-COMMAND
Me rob you long time.

They pull out AUTOMATIC WEAPONS
strapped to their backs.

HIT THE GAS and
ROAR TOWARD THE BANK.

INT. BANK - NIGHT
Just as Griff walks
Bank Manager past Chelle,
the gang SQUEALS into the bank
and starts FIRING at everybody.

Griff and Bank Manager get
SHREDDED TO RIBBONS.

Atlas and Zvi RUN.
Chelle gets HIT
with MACHINE GUN SPRAY.

Her body JERKS like a puppet
in a dance of death.

INT. DOC'S FARMHOUSE - NIGHT
Doc, Jo and Kelsey sit
at the kitchen table,
the remains of dinner strewn about.
Having pie and coffee.

KELSEY
You can deny it all you want,
but I know the truth.
I found your scrapbook.

DOC
What scrapbook?

KELSEY
The one under your mattress.

DOC
What were you doing SNOOPING
around in my bedroom?

KELSEY
I was looking for your stash.
I hadn’t found a connection yet.
(big smile)
You were quite the heister.

Doc stares. Speechless.
The phone RINGS. Jo gets up.

JO
I’ll get it.
(answers it, listens)
Oh my god.
(turns and looks)
Doc?

DOC
What’s wrong?

JO
Griff and Chelle --

KELSEY
(turns white)
What.

JO
They’re dead.
(looks at Kelsey)
They were -- trying to rob a bank.