Catch Of The Day

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Hump Day. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 39 of THE INVISIBLE GIRL, overweight teen Bettie Bee gets crowned prom queen, with deadly results ...


INT. SCHOOL GYM - STAGE - NIGHT
The band finishes playing.
Muffin comes into view stage right.

Goes to a microphone on a stand.
Leans into it.

MUFFIN
Hey there, hep-cats and devil-dogs.
Everybody having a GOOD TIME?

The crowd ROARS its approval.

MUFFIN
Now’s the moment
you’ve all been waiting for.
It’s time to crown the
King and Queen of the PROM --

More APPLAUSE.

MUFFIN
First I’d like to present to you,
our KING -- Brad Stifle.

WHOOPS of applause and excitement
as Brad appears from the other side
and takes his place center-stage.

He’s wearing a crown.
And a big smile.
He waves at the crowd. Nods.

MUFFIN
Now as I’m sure you all know,
some of us were a little mean
to our fellow classmate Bettie Bee --
so as a way to make it up to her,
we decided to crown her PROM QUEEN.

Hushed MURMURING from the crowd.

HART AND LANE
Watch Muffin with interest.
Sip their drinks.

HART
I don’t have a good feeling about this.

LANE
Yeah. They’re up to something.

MUFFIN
Smiles brightly at the crowd.

MUFFIN
Aw, c’mon now.
Don’t be like that.
Bettie’s a nice girl.
And we all know she’s
probably feeling a little lost now,
being invisible and all --

BACKSTAGE
Emerald holds the rope connected
to the bucket and the net.

MUFFIN
Takes a giant bouquet of
flowers from someone backstage.
Starts walking over to where Brad is.

MUFFIN
So, Bettie -- would you please come up
and accept your bouquet and crown --
and be our PROM QUEEN?

Silence. Everybody looks
at the stage expectantly.

Muffin peers around,
looking in vain for
something she can’t see.

MUFFIN
C’mon, Bettie. Don’t be shy.

Suddenly Muffin DROPS the bouquet.
GRABS the sides of her neck.
Face turns RED. Starts GAGGING.

MUFFIN
GAAA --

BETTIE (V.O.)
You think I’d just walk
right into your TRAP?
Well, the joke’s on YOU.

Muffin’s head WHIPS to the side.
Her neck SNAPS.

She FALLS to the stage, THWUNK,
a ruined Barbie doll.

People start SCREAMING.
Brad stares, in shock.
Unable to move.

BETTIE (V.O.)
Whoops, don’t know my own STRENGTH.

BACKSTAGE
Emerald stares, speechless.
Then snaps out of it.

YANKS on the rope,
spilling the bucket
of fake blood onto --

BETTIE
DRENCHING her -- making her visible.
The crowd GASPS.

A DORKY KID
Points. Scared shitless.

DORKY KID
It’s BETTIE --

BETTIE
GRABS Brad, PULLS him to the side,
CRACKS his neck, then THROWS
him down where she was standing, THWUMP.

The net FLIES down on him.
Then YANKS him up into the air.

BETTIE
Hey, LOOK.
It’s the CATCH OF THE DAY.
(beat)
BWAHAHAHAHA --

A girl SCREAMS.

PRINCIPAL CHUBB
Stares in utter horror.

PRINCIPAL CHUBB
What do you think you’re DOING?

HART AND LANE
Start RUNNING toward the stage,
guns drawn.

BETTIE
Sees them. RUNS backstage.
RACES over to the FIREHOSE.

Opens the glass case. GRABS it.
Pulls it out. Turns on the water.

A stream starts GUSHING OUT.
She RUNS back onstage --

Just in time to SPRAY Hart and Lane,
who FLY BACK off the stage
and HIT the floor.

THE CROWD
In the gym SCREAMS and
RUNS for the exit.

But it’s LOCKED.
They start POUNDING on the door.

STRANGE-LOOKING GUY
Open up, OPEN UP.

BUSTY YOUNG CHICK
PLEASE. Somebody let us OUT OF HERE --

I Love The Smell Of Testosterone In The Morning

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 38 of THE INVISIBLE GIRL, at the prom, the popular girls discuss their plans for getting revenge on Bettie. Meanwhile, outside in the alley, Bettie gets revenge on closeted gay popular guy Whit ...


INT. SCHOOL GYM - NIGHT

Muffin walks over to Tila and Ronnie,
who are hoving over the punch bowl.

MUFFIN
Greetings, fun-bags. What say ye?

TILA
I’ll tumble for ya.

RONNIE
Do you really want to squirt me?

MUFFIN
In a sec --
(beat)
I just saw Emerald.
She fixed the net so it
would catch Bettie AND Brad.

TILA
Relax my sphincter
and pass me the lube.
That's brilliant.

RONNIE
The Energizer cluster-fuck
just keeps goin’ and goin’ --

MUFFIN
That’s why you love me so much.

RONNIE
We’d do ANYTHING for you Muffin,
you know that.

MUFFIN
Was that ever in doubt?
(sips her drink)
So now that Brad’s out of the picture,
what do you love-dolls think about
getting down at a cheap motel
and playing a little
Spin The Nipple Clamp?

TILA
Ohmigod, I thought you’d NEVER ask.

RONNIE
You mean an Oreo party? Hot damn.
Creamy blonde center, here we come.

MUFFIN
(shrugs)
Well, prom IS supposed to be the
most special night of your life.

TILA
I’ll drink to THAT.

RONNIE
Honey, you’d drink to a car wash opening.

MUFFIN
(raises her glass)
To my sisters in the Saphic arts.

They smile. Toast.
CLINK cups. Take a sip.

MUFFIN
I wonder if the band knows
any Melissa Etheridge --

ON THE STAGE
A Flock Of Haircuts finishes playing.
Lead Singer bows.

Grabs the mike.
Smiles at the crowd.

LEAD SINGER
Thank you, thank you --
thank you very much.
(beat)
And now here’s one of my
personal faves -- from GENESIS.

The band breaks into INVISIBLE TOUCH.
Most of the kids shake
their heads in disgust.

Leave the dance floor,
leaving a smattering of
nerds and geeks dancing ecstatically.

AT THE FRONT ENTRANCE
It’s deserted. Everyone has arrived.
We see a big METAL PIPE being
AMMED across the door handles,
locking everyone in.

Then hear FOOTSTEPS walking away.

BEHIND THE GYM
Bert’s got Whit propped up
against the brick wall.

They’re going at it hot and heavy.
Hands all over each other.

All of a sudden Bert feels
someone pat him on the shoulder.

BETTIE (V.O.)
(low, spooky)
May I cut in?

Bert WHIPS his head around.
Looks. Doesn’t see anyone.

BERT
Who’s THERE?

BETTIE (V.O.)
I love the smell of testosterone
in the morning.

WHIT
Oh, shit. It’s BETTIE.

BERT
Bettie. Listen, we’re really sorry.

WHIT
Please don’t hurt us.

Suddenly Bert gets LIFTED UP IN THE AIR --

BERT
HEY. What are you DOING?

BETTIE (V.O.)
Wanna LIFT?

And THROWN into a nearby EMPTY DUMPSTER.
He lands inside, BANG.

BETTIE (V.O.)
Two POINTS.

Whit puts his hands
in front of him, pleading.

WHIT
Bettie, PLEASE.
You can’t HURT ME, I’m GAY.
If you hurt me, it’s a HATE CRIME.

BETTIE (V.O.)
Oh, YEAH? And what was FUCKING WITH ME?
A FAT CRIME?

WHIT
What? No, WAIT. Please.
Let’s TALK about this.
We’re the same, really --

BETTIE (V.O.)
We’re not the SAME.
You could hide what YOU are --
but I couldn’t.
You’re no BETTER than me.
In fact, you’re WORSE,
you fucking PHONY.

Whit gets LIFTED IN THE AIR --

WHIT
Omigod, NO --

And THROWN into the dumpster, BANG.
We hear footsteps walk over --
and the lid SLAMS down. BANG.

BETTIE (V.O.)
Whoops. Looks like someone forgot
to take out THE WHITE TRASH.
(beat)
BWAHAHAHAHA --

The back door OPENS.

BETTIE
Sin never DIES.

And then closes behind her.

Dirty Deeds, Done Skirt Cheap

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 37 of THE INVISIBLE GIRL, at the prom, the popular kids plot their revenge on the invisible Bettie Bee. Meanwhile, Bettie's science professor father Bernard huddles with Nobel Prize laureate Fleming Perkins monitor the action from the sidelines ...


INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYM - STAGE - NIGHT
A Flock of Haircuts plays Alison Moyet’s INVISIBLE.

HOT CHICK KEYBOARD PLAYER
(sings)
Invisible, you treat me like I’m invisible --

NEAR THE PUNCH TABLE
Tila and Ronnie sip from plastic cups.
Ronnie makes a face.

RONNIE
I can barely TASTE it.
How am I supposed to get fuck-faced?

TILA
It’s vodka, Little Miss Fun-Time --
you’re not supposed to taste it.
And it’s 'shit-faced.'

RONNIE
You’ve never seen ME get drunk.

Emerald walks up to them.

EMERALD
Hey there, girlies.
I can’t find Muffin.
Will you tell her we’re all set?

They smile. Nod.

TILA
Dirty deeds, done skirt cheap.

RONNIE
Let there be wood.

EMERALD
This little piggy’s gonna
ride the crimson tsunami
right into our clutches.

TILA
(raises her cup)
It’s a slutty job,
but someone’s gotta screw it.

RONNIE
(raises hers)
The few. The proud. The shaved.

Emerald grabs a cup of punch. Raises it.

EMERALD
To protect and swerve.

And they DOWN THEM.

EMERALD
See you at the apocalypse --

Then heads off to her position.

IN THE PARKING LOT
Bernard and Fleming
stand near an ambulance.

Bernard fingers a number
on his cell phone. Listens.

BERNARD
Officer Diamond?
It’s professor Bee.
We’re here outside --
(listens)
Okay, thanks.
(hangs up, to Fleming)
They’re inside watching for her.

FLEMING
(nods)
Let the games begin.

They both gaze wistfully at the gym,
listening to the music.

BERNARD
Didn’t go to my prom --

He looks at Fleming inquisitively.
Raises an eyebrow.

FLEMING
You’re kidding, right?
In this fucking wheelchair?

A Flock Of Haircuts

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 36 of THE INVISIBLE GIRL, at the prom, the popular kids start preparing to get their revenge. Meanwhile, chaperones Hart Klavan and Lane Diamond secretly spike the punch ...


EXT. VENISON HIGH GYM - NIGHT
Prom Night. We see a big banner
on the side of the gym that reads
A NIGHT TO DISMEMBER
in big, glittery lettering.

A line of LIMOS is parked in front.
Eager, excited GUYS IN TUXES and
GIRLS IN GOWNS spill out onto the sidewalk.
Walking in pairs toward the entrance.

INT. VENISON HIGH GYM - NIGHT
The joint’s been decorated
within an inch of it’s life
in some over-the-top party explosion.

Scores of glittering silver
stars hang down from the rafters.

A big DISCO BALL spins around and around,
sending shards of bright light
flying around the room.

On the stage is A Flock Of Haircuts,
a group of slightly older kids
dressed in exaggerated eighties drag.

Right now they’re doing a decent cover
of Oingo Boingo’s DEAD MAN’S PARTY.

The LEAD SINGER (late 20’s)
waves his arms like a banshee.
Acting out some imaginary music video.

The joint is packed.
Kids are dancing, having fun.

They finish the song. Everyone CLAPS.
The HOT CHICK KEYBOARD PLAYER
(late 20’s) leans into the mike.

HOT CHICK KEYBOARD PLAYER
HEY. Anybody wanna do some DREAMING?
(beat)
Dreaming is free --

They start playing the Blondie song.
The crowd ERUPTS, starts
dancing their asses off.

UP IN THE RAFTERS
Brad and Emerald look inside a bucket
sitting on a beam tied to a rope
leading down to the stage.

EMERALD
It’s what they use in the movies.
I couldn’t get pig’s blood.
(off his look)
Venison doesn’t HAVE a slaughterhouse --

BRAD
It’ll work. Nobody will be
able to tell the difference.

He points at a net piled up
next to the bucket.

BRAD
What about the net?

EMERALD
It comes down at the same time.

BRAD
Perfect. Gonna catch us
some invisible bitch.
(eyes her)
So, listen.
Muffin’s still mad at me.
What are you doing afterwards?

EMERALD
In your dreams, jock-strap.
You’ll never know MY splendor.

OUTSIDE BEHIND THE GYM
Bert and Whit smoke a joint.
Both of them dateless.

BERT
(passes it)
This is good shit. Hydro?

WHIT
(takes it)
Nah. From the ground. Much better.
More full-bodied. Cleaner high. Lasts longer.

BERT
(nods)
Gimme a shotgun?

WHIT
Sure --

He puts the joint
in his mouth backwards.
Leans in close.

Blows a stream of smoke
into Bert’s mouth.

He sucks it in. They lock eyes.
Whit takes the joint out. Kisses him.

Bert starts COUGHING.
Whit pulls away. Freaked.

WHIT
I’m sorry, man. Just fucking with ya.

BERT
(low, throaty)
Come here --

He leans in. Starts kissing him.

IN A DARK CORNER
Stand Lane and Hart, looking
out of place in formal wear.
Lane takes a sip of punch. Smiles.

HART
They spike it?

LANE
A little bit.

Hart pulls a flask out of his pocket.
Pours some in her cup.

HART
Now it’s a lotta bit --

The Prisoner

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Hump Day. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 35 of THE INVISIBLE GIRL, homicide detective Hart Klavan and rookie cop Lane Diamond supervise Lonny's arrest, then get up close and personal ...


INT. VENISON POLICE HEADQUARTERS - CORRIDOR - NIGHT
Pale-puke walls. The usual shitty,
out-of-date institutional ambiance.

A UNIFORMED OFFICER
leads Lonny into a cell.

Closes the barred door.
Locks it. Nods. Shuffles away.

Lane and Hart stand nearby, watching.
See how freaked out he is.
Hart walks up to the bars.

HART
You did real good, Lonny.
Just keep your head up.
It’s going to be okay.

LONNY
How long will I have to stay here?

HART
Your uncle will be
here in the morning.
Then he’ll post bail
and you’ll be released.

Lonny nods.
Looks like he’s about to cry.

LANE
Don’t be scared.
It’s just one night.

LONNY
Okay. Thanks.

HART
Can we get you anything to eat?

PUSH IN ON Lonny’s face.
Starving. Relieved.

LONNY
Could you get me some --
American Burger?

EXT. VENISON POLICE HEADQUARTER - PARKING LOT - NIGHT
Hart walks over to his car.
Presses the auto-lock with a THWIP.

He opens the door.
Starts to get in.

LANE (V.O.)
You were really great with Lonny.

Reveal LANE. Standing nearby.
Fidgeting awkwardly.

HART
(turns, sees her, smiles)
Thanks --
(sighs)
Hopefully this’ll scare
the shit out of him,
get his act together.
(off her look)
What’s wrong? You okay?

LANE
I -- owe you an apology.

HART
What for?

LANE
I lied when I said I was gay.
(off his look)
I say that to keep men away.
After years of being abused
by guys, I don’t trust them.
(beat)
I mean, I’m bi -- but I DO date guys.

HART
Are you hitting on me?

LANE
Hell, no.

He narrows his eyes.
Lips curl into a hint of a smile.

HART
Why don’t we go grab a cup of coffee.
Talk about the prom.

LANE
You mean --

HART
Relax. Strictly business.
So don’t be expecting
a corsage or anything --

Emergency Room

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 34 of THE INVISIBLE GIRL, Bettie's scientist father Bernard prepares to give her a blood transfusion to save her life, but then gets terrified when he discovers she's been voted prom queen ...


EXT. VENISON MEMORIAL HOSPITAL - NIGHT
Your typical establishing shot of
a picture-perfect suburban hospital.

SQUIRRELS play in the manicured grounds.
A friendly-looking NURSE pushes a
SMILING PATIENT in a wheel chair.

INT. VENISON MEMORIAL HOSPITAL - NIGHT
Quiet at this hour.
A PLUMP NURSE works at her station.

Bernard, Fleming Perkins and a
PUFFY, CHERUBIC DOCTOR
stand nearby chatting.

Puffy, Cherubic nods
his head thoughtfully.

PUFFY, CHERUBIC DOCTOR
We’ll cooperate in any way we can.
(smiles at Fleming)
I’m a big fan, Mr. Perkins.
I greatly enjoyed your book
A Lengthy History Of Science.

BERNARD
Her blood type is O-Negative.
Do you have enough
for a complete transfusion?

PUFFY, CHERUBIC DOCTOR
I think so. I’ll have to check.
If not, we can call
the nearby hospitals.

FLEMING
We’re also going to
need complete privacy.
If word of this gets
leaked to the media --

PUFFY, CHERUBIC DOCTOR
Of course, of course.
You have my word.
What time should we
expect her arrival?

BERNARD
Well, that’s the tricky part --

His cell phone RINGS.
He answers it.

BERNARD
This is Bernard Bee.
(listens)
You DID?
(listens)
Oh, DEAR.
(listens)
At a fast food restaurant?
I see.
(listens)
PROM QUEEN?
(listens)
I see.
Thank you for the update.
(listens)
I’m at the hospital,
making preparations for
her blood transfusion.
(listens)
It’s the only way
we can save her.
(listens)
Okay. Thank you. Goodbye.

He hangs up.
Looks at Stephen and Puffy.

BERNARD
That was the police.
They have good news
and bad news.

FLEMING
What’s the bad news?

BERNARD
They found Bettie --
but she escaped.

PUFFY, CHERUBIC DOCTOR
And the good news?

PUSH IN ON Bernard’s face.
Eyes bright with emotion.

BERNARD
She was elected prom queen.
(beat)
God help us all --

A Night To Dismember

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 33 of THE INVISIBLE GIRL, Bettie discovers that she is going to be crowned prom queen, and realizes it must be a trap. Meanwhile, the popular kids plot their revenge on her on prom night ...


EXT. ELECTRONIC STORE - NIGHT
The wall of TV’s show a familiar face.
It’s Muffin. Being interviewed by
the local TV news in front of the school.

MUFFIN
Well, Dirk -- the prom committee decided
to shake things up a bit this year --
so we’re going to announce who
the prom king and queen are -- right now.
(beat)
Omigod, I’m so excited I could
totally hurl my McFlurry.

DIRK JOE (30’s), local reporter extraordinaire
holds a mike in front of her. Smarmy smile.
Cheap suit. Decent rug.

DIRK
That’s quite the visual image, Muffin --

MUFFIN
LOL.

Pause.

DIRK
So?

MUFFIN
So --

DIRK
The prom king and queen?

MUFFIN
Oh. Right. Sorry.
(stares in the camera with big eyes)
I’ve never been on TV before.
Can I use this for my sizzle reel?

DIRK
I don’t see why not.

MUFFIN
Super. Okay.
(nods excitedly)
The prom king and queen for
Venison High’s ‘Night to Dismember’ are --
(dramatic pause)
Brad Stifle and Bettie Bee.

BETTIE’S APRON AND BAG OF FOOD
Stand in front of the window
full of TV’s. In shock.

BETTIE (V.O.)
I’m prom queen?
(beat)
They must really think I’m STUPID.
Like I wouldn’t realize it’s a TRAP?

She ROARS with laughter.

BETTIE (V.O.)
I’ll show THEM --

INT. SCHOOL CLASSROOM - NIGHT
The prom committee sits around the room.
Brad and Muffin stand at the
head of the class, arguing. Red-faced.

BRAD
I TOLD you, we were working
on a HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT.

MUFFIN
Bull-SHIT.
You were ANTHONY WEINERING her.

BRAD
Jesus Christ on a hotdog
nailed to a stick, Muffin. She’s DEAD.
Could you just CHILL with the accusations?
You’re the only fox for me.
(sings)
The Foxy fox on the run,
you scream and everybody comes --

MUFFIN
That’s NOT going to work
this time, retro-boy.
We’ll talk about this LATER.

An uncomfortable silence in the room.

EMERALD
You were really great on TV, Muffin.

TILA
Yeah, maybe now you can get a deal
for your reality show.

RONNIE
The Unreal Cheerleaders of Venison High.

BERT
Hell, yeah.
I’d Tivo the hell outta that sucker.

WHIT
Will there be the requisite amount
of gratuitous tits and ass?

MUFFIN
Calm down, horny goat-weeds.
The show isn’t just
a display of female flesh --
it’s also a scathing expose of
the deadening ennui of
upper-middle-class suburbia.

BRAD
Alright, alright --
enough about your goddamn TV SHOW.
We have to get our glutes in gear
and start setting up.
Status reports?

EMERALD
(looks at Tila and Ronnie)
We got all the decorations.
We just need everyone’s help
putting them up.

MUFFIN
Solid.

BRAD
(to Bert)
How are the refreshments coming along?

BERT
The teachers are handling
the punch and cookies --

He pulls a gallon of cheap vodka
out of his knapsack.

BERT
And I’ve got the spike that refreshes.

MUFFIN
Nice. What’s your liver damage?
(to Whit)
You got that band you told us about, right?

WHIT
Uh, no -- sorry.
Skull Bong broke up.

BRAD
But they were the best
death-metal band in TOWN.

MUFFIN
Not to mention the only one --

WHIT
Not to worry. I got another band.
(dramatic flourish)
A Flock Of Haircuts.

BRAD
Ohmigod. Not that cheesy
eighties synth-pop band --

WHIT
Sorry. Best I could do on short notice.

MUFFIN
I’m sure they’ll wake us up
before they go-go.
(CLAP-CLAPS her hands)
Okay, people. Let’s get TO WORK.
Looks like we’re gonna
have to pull an all-nighter
if we’re gonna rock the prom.

BRAD
A Night To Dismember -- Bettie Bee.

PUSH IN ON Muffin’s face.
Bugging her eyes out.

MUFFIN
(imitates Sissy Spacek)
It was bad, Momma.
(beat)
They LAUGHED at me --