There's No Such Thing As A Free Meal

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 16 of BABY HEISTER, Kelsey finishes her heister training workout in the morning and sits down to a big breakfast, only to discover that Doc has invited some guests to join them ... his bank-robbing crew ...


INT. BARN - DAY - IN MONTAGE
Kelsey does a series of exercises.
Jumping rope. Push ups. Pull ups.
Jumping Jacks. Climbing a rope. Boxing.

Doc holds the punching bag as Kelsey
SLAMS IT with boxing gloves.
THUMP-THUMP-THUMP-THUMP.

She’s drenched in sweat. Looks fierce.
Like a warrior. Doc BLOWS a whistle.

DOC
That’s enough for now.
Don’t wanna kill you.
(beat)
Yet.

Kelsey nods. Out of breath.
Doc checks his watch.

DOC
Let’s go get some supper.
Get somethin’ in yer belly.

INT. DOC'S FARMHOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
A big spread has been
laid out on the table.

Burgers. Fried chicken. Pasta salad.
Mashed potatoes. The works.

Eves have been added to the table
so that more people can sit.

Jo is finishing setting
place settings for six people.

Doc and Kelsey walk in,
see the culinary explosion.

DOC
A meal fit for a king.

KELSEY
Why the extra chairs?

DOC
We’re expecting company. Sit. Dig in.

Kelsey sits. Grabs a chicken leg.
Starts chewing. Starving.

KELSEY
What kind of company?

DOC
Surprise.

The doorbell RINGS.
Jo starts for the door.

JO
I’ll get it. Sit.

Doc nods. Takes a chair.
Starts filling his plate.

INT. DOC'S FARMHOUSE - FRONT DOOR - DAY
Jo opens the front door.
Revealing three HEISTERS, grinning.

RENO BLACK (30’s) a stocky fireplug
of gruffness nods.

RENO
We’re here for the free meal.

DUSTY VEGA (40’s), dark and slick,
a poor man’s Al Pacino nudges him.
Chewing on a toothpick.

DUSTY
You know Reno.
If food were the food of love,
he’d eat on.

SIMON LEEDS (20’s), tall and thin,
the rockabilly version of Jonathan Rhys-Meyers
shakes his head with mock-embarrassment.

SIMON
Please pardon the lowlife criminal element.
I’m embarrassed to be seen in their company,
but I’m afraid I have bills to pay.

JO
(charmed)
I don’t think we’ve met --

Simon takes her hand. Kisses it.

SIMON
Simon Leeds, at your service --

Just Like In The Movies

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Hump Day. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 15 of BABY HEISTER, Doc teaches Kelsey one of the most important skills necessary to rob banks ... how to shoot a gun.


EXT. RANCH - FIELD - DAY
Kelsey and Doc stand about
fifty feet away from a wooden fence.

A row of empty beer bottles
has been placed on top of it.

Kelsey holds a Glock
in her right hand. Takes aim.

DOC
Move your feet.
They should be shoulder-width apart.

KELSEY
Okay --

She makes the adjustment.

DOC
Now put your right foot
out a little bit.
(off her look)
You’re right-handed.

Kelsey nods. Moves it.

DOC
When you take aim, close
your left eye a little bit.

KELSEY
Okay.

DOC
And make sure your arm
is almost completely straight.
(watches her do it)
Now lean forward a little bit.

She does. Doc nods.

DOC
Let ‘er rip.

Kelsey FIRES, BANG. The bullet
goes WHIZZING above the bottle. THWIP.

It FLIES through foliage
behind the fence.

The recoil makes her JUMP.
She rubs her wrist.

KELSEY
Ow.

DOC
Got quite a kick, huh?
Better use a two-handed grip
until you get used to it.

Kelsey puts her left hand
around her right. Grips it tightly.

DOC
That’s right.
like in the movies.
(watches)
Make sure both thumbs
point forward.
(beat)
Yeah. Like that.
And hold it tight.

She takes aim. FIRES. BANG.
The bullet WHIZZES into the air.

KELSEY
Damn.

DOC
Relax. Take a deep breath.
Don’t pull the trigger. Squeeze it.
Think of it like an extension
of your hand.
Squeeze it so slowly that
you’re surprised when it goes off.
(off her nod)
Take your time. Deep breath.

Kelsey takes a deep breath. Exhales.
Aims at a bottle. FIRES. BANG.

It HITS the fence. PING.
Wood FLIES OFF.

KELSEY
SHIT.

DOC
No, you’re doin’ good --
(beat)
Make sure the front sight is
aligned in the notch of the back sight --
so that the top of the front is level
with the top of the back. Got it?
(off her nod)
Now focus on the front sight
and aim at the target.

Kelsey concentrates.
Moves the gun slightly.

DOC
Take a deep breath --
and when you exhale, squeeze.

She takes a bead on a bottle.
Her body relaxes.

Takes a deep breath -- and FIRES. BANG.
The bottle EXPLODES. Glass goes FLYING.

KELSEY
God-DAMMIT.

DOC
How do you feel?

KELSEY
Like coming home.

EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY
A black SUV is parked on the shoulder.

INT. SUV - DAY
Seated behind the wheel is Ray Stark.
Looking through a pair of binoculars.
He puts them down. Smiles.

RAY
Looks like the little girl can shoot --

The Inside Man

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 14 of BABY HEISTER, Doc starts teaching Kelsey how to be a heister, but first has to whip her into shape physically and sets her out on a grueling workout ...

EXT. RANCH - DIRT ROAD - DAY
The chainsaw-psychobilly
zombie-foot-stomp of Horrorpops’
THELMA AND LOUISE over --

Kelsey. Listening to the song on her I-pod.
RUNNING on the side of the road.

Pumping like a demon in the blistering heat.
Shorts and T-shirt soaked in sweat.
Fierce. Determined.

She passes a row of crops.
A big, old barn. Runs past a pond.

A guy on a tractor, who HONKS.
Hits the front drive. Runs up to Doc.

Standing on the front porch,
holding a stop watch.

She stops. Tries to catch her breath.
He hands her a canteen. Drinks greedily.
Then pours it over her head.

DOC
Not bad. Five minutes.
Pretty soon we’ll get it down to four.

KELSEY
You trying to kill me?

DOC
When the shit comes down,
you gotta be able to MOVE.
Heisting isn’t just fast cars
and big guns, girlie-girl.

KELSEY
Speaking of guns, when do I get to --

DOC
After breakfast. C’mon.
Let’s go chow down.

INT. DOC'S FARMHOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
Kelsey and Doc sit at
the rustic, wooden table.

Jo serves them a big meal of
flapjacks, eggs, toast, bacon and sausage.

Then sits and joins them.
Kelsey starts wolfing it down.

DOC
This looks great, Jo.

KELSEY
(mouth full)
Yeah, Jo --

JO
Don’t talk with your mouth full,
Kelsey. It’s not ladylike.

KELSEY
(swallows)
Sorry.

DOC
Okay. First lesson.
Planning the heist.
(off Kelsey’s look)
Planning the job is
the most important part.
If it smells bad, you walk away.
If it looks good, then you
plan it out to the smallest detail.
(beat)
Then you assemble your team -- the string.
You only work with people
you’ve worked with before,
or people your colleagues can vouch for
cause they’ve worked with ‘em.
You NEVER work with someone
nobody knows. Ever.

JO
Except for the inside man, of course.

DOC
I was gettin’ to that.
(to Kelsey)
The inside man is someone who works
at the joint you’re gonna to knock over.
They usually come to you with the job.
Once in a blue moon you approach them,
if you’ve got something on ‘em.
(smiles)
I met Jo when she was
the inside man on a job.

KELSEY
I didn’t know that.
What was the job?

JO
Coin convention.
I was the roper on a long con
involving one of the dealers,
and then realized you could
take the whole shebang.

DOC
She noticed I was casing the joint --

PUSH IN ON Jo’s face.
Eyes dancing with delight.

JO
And the rest is history --

The Big, Bad Wolf

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Holidaze. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 13 of BABY HEISTER, after Kelsey loses her job after killing the owner's son ... who was trying to rob the joint ... Doc reluctantly agrees to teach her how to rob banks. Meanwhile, we discover that mysterious stranger Ray Stark isn't what he appears to be ...


EXT. DOC'S FARMHOUSE - FRONT PORCH - NIGHT
Crickets CHIRP in the background.
The wind RUSTLES through the trees.
The front yard looks ghostly in the moonlight.

Doc and Kelsey sit on the porch
with bottles of beer.

KELSEY
I keep seeing it happen over
over again in my head.

DOC
It’ll go away after awhile.
It’ll happen less and less,
just go away.
(beat)
Most of the time.

KELSEY
You ever killed someone?

DOC
Once.

KELSEY
What happened?

DOC
Fool kid tried a cross,
thought he could take the entire haul.
Was MUCH more careful about who
I worked with after that.

KELSEY
I didn’t even think.
I saw him, grabbed the gun -- and --

She sighs. Shakes her head.
Reliving it again. Sips her beer.

DOC
You know I care about you like
you were my own daughter, right?

KELSEY
I guess so.

DOC
I can’t believe I’m gonna say this --

KELSEY
What.
(realizes)
You MEAN?

DOC
Still wanna be a heister?

KELSEY
Hell, yeah.

DOC
Then I guess we better
get some shut-eye.
Tomorrow’s gonna be a big day.
Got alot to teach ya.

Kelsey LEAPS UP out of her chair.
Goes to Doc. HUGS him.

KELSEY
Ohmigod, THANK YOU, Doc. I LOVE YOU.
(beat)
OHMIGOD. OHMIGOD.

DOC
Calm down, calm down.
Heisters don’t squeal like little girls.

KELSEY
What made you change your mind?

DOC
Well, you got kicked out of
school the first day.
Fucked up your job the first day.
(beat)
But the way you handled that shotgun tonight?
Guess some things were just meant to be.

EXT. DESERT PALMS MOTEL - NIGHT
One of those old, ramshackle affairs
that were built back when
people still cared about character.

Flashing neon sign reads VACANCY.
COMPLETE COMFORT. POOL. FREE HBO.

INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
A sea of knotty pine and desert motif.
Ray lies in bed fully-dressed
watching an old black and white movie on TV.

Smoking. Sipping a bottle of beer.
The phone RINGS. He answers it.

RAY
Hello?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. LOS ANGELES POLICE HEADQUARTERS - OFFICE - NIGHT
The small, dimly-lit office of an overworked,
underpaid robbery/homicide detective.

Piles of paperwork. File folders.
Document boxes on the floor.
Empty pizza box on a chair.

A tall, grey-haired COP leans back
in his chair, talks on the phone.

Meet DARRYL ROOKER (40’s), fit.
In shape. Looks agitated.

Head of the special
‘Hazard Family’ task force.

DARRYL
It’s Rooker. You sniff out anything?

RAY
Not yet. The old man’s real slick.
Doesn’t trust me.

DARRYL
Why doesn’t that surprise me?

RAY
But I’ve gotta way to get close.
His granddaughter is staying with him.
Griff and Chelle’s kid.
(chuckles)
Wants to be heister.

DARRYL
No shit.

RAY
Yeah. Guess the apple doesn’t
fall far from the bank job.

DARRYL
How old?

RAY
Eighteen.

DARRYL
Hot?

RAY
Smokin.’

DARRYL
Careful. Keep your dick in your --

RAY
Don’t worry. I’m not gonna fuck her.
I’m gonna USE her. Get this --
wants to be a heister,
but grandpa doesn’t wanna teach her.
I offered to.

DARRYL
Watch out. You’re playing with fire.

RAY
But I gotta get close --

DARRYL
Yeah. But not TOO close.
They smell a rat, and you’re history.
Doc Hazard is a legend.
Never been busted, and he didn’t
get that way by letting
an undercover dick get too close.

RAY
Don’t worry. I’m being careful.

DARRYL
And stay away from the granddaughter.

RAY
From your lips to God’s ears.

They hang up. Ray takes a sip of beer. Smiles.

RAY
Better watch out, little girl.
The big, bad wolf’s in town.

Breaking Bad

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 12 of BABY HEISTER, Doc and Ray Stark watch Kelsey calmly blow away the meth kid trying to rob the convenience store with a shotgun, leaving them speechless ...


INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
The door BANGS OPEN.
In walks Meth Kid.

Sees Doc and Ray.
Starts waving the gun around.

METH KID
Everybody ON THE FLOOR.
This is a ROBBERY.

Doc and Ray raise their hands.

RAY
Okay, okay.
Just don’t hurt anybody --

METH KID
I said DOWN ON THE FLOOR, NOW.
DO IT. DO IT. NOW.

DOC
Easy now --

Doc and Ray start
to get down -- and BANG.

Meth Kid’s head
EXPLODES IN A RED MIST.
Blood and brains SPRAY the ATM.

KELSEY
Stands behind the counter.
Holding the shotgun. Surprised.

Quivering with adrenaline.
Staring at the body. In shock.

KELSEY
(whispers)
Holy shit.

DOC
You okay?

KELSEY
Okay?

RAY
She’s a natural.

DOC
Shut up.

The door JINGLES.
In walks a SHERIFF’S DEPUTY.

(20’s), young, eager,
a buzz-cut local kid.
The polar opposite of Meth.

BUZZ-CUT DEPUTY
(sees the body)
What the HELL?

DOC
Officer. That man was
trying to rob the store.
(nods at Kelsey)
And Kelsey here stopped him.

BUZZ-CUT DEPUTY
Well done, little lady.
(bends over, looks at the body)
Well, I’ll be.
That’s Verne’s kid.

KELSEY
The OWNER?

DOC
What the hell?

BUZZ-CUT DEPUTY
Yeah.
Verne reported him
missing a few days ago.
Was on another binge.
(shakes his head)
Breaking Bad again --

Beggars Can't Be Choosers

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 11 of BABY HEISTER, Doc visits convenience store where Kelsey is now working and is incensed to find interloper Ray Stark chatting her up, but the drama gets interrupted by a young kid hopped up on meth waving a gun around trying to rob the joint ...


INT. CONVENIENCE STORY - DAY
The bell JINGLES. In walks Ray.
He sees Kelsey. Big grin.

RAY
Well, what have we got here?

KELSEY
Hey.

RAY
They let you smoke in here?

KELSEY
What does it look like?

He shakes his head.
Goes to the cooler.

Pulls out a twelve-pack of cheap beer.
Grabs some Slim Jims.

Brings them over to the counter.
Kelsey starts ringing them up.

RAY
You like working here?

KELSEY
What do YOU think?

RAY
Guess beggars can’t be choosers.

KELSEY
(looks at the register)
That’ll be twelve-fifty-three.

RAY
(hands her a bill)
Do any more thinking about my offer?

KELSEY
(takes it, counts out his change)
Doc told me to stay away from you.
Says you can’t be trusted.

RAY
You always do everything
Doc tells you?

She stares at him.
Narrows her eyes.

KELSEY
Depends.

RAY
Ever shot a gun?
(off her blank stare)
Wanna learn?

KELSEY
(faint smile)
Hell, yeah --

RAY
What time you get off work?

KELSEY
Midnight.

The bell JINGLES. In walks Doc.

DOC
Thought I’d come by and see how --
(sees Ray)
I thought I told you to
STAY AWAY FROM HER.

RAY
Hey.
I was just getting some beer.
I didn’t know she was --

DOC
Get the fuck out of here.
If I see you sniffin’
around her again,
there’ll be HELL to pay.
You HEAR me?

OUTSIDE IN THE PARKING LOT
A shitty, beat-up puke green
Dodge Dart Swinger
ROARS into the lot.
SCREECHES to a stop.

IN THE CAR
Sits a jittery young
LOCAL KID (17),
all hopped up on meth.

Been up for days.
He pulls out a snifter.

SNORTS a bump. Then another.
Finishes a can of beer. CRUMPLES it.

Pulls out a small, shitty GUN.
Reaches up under his cowboy hat.
Pulls down a stocking over his face.

IN THE STORE
Doc gets in Ray’s face.

RAY
What are you gonna do,
old man? Hit me?

DOC
I tried asking you nicely.

The door BANGS OPEN.
In walks Meth Kid.

Sees Doc and Ray.
Starts waving the gun around.

METH KID
Everybody ON THE FLOOR.
This is a ROBBERY --

The Big Bite

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 10 of BABY HEISTER, Kelsey starts her new job at the local gas station convenience store, but first has to fend off the advances of the owner ... and then the mysterious stranger Ray Stark she met at her parents' funeral ...


EXT. GAS STATION - CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
A local filling station
just off the freeway.

Been around forever, and looks it.
But the Stop N’ Gulp
next to it is a fairly new.

A sign reads
TWO FOR ONE BURRITOS.

Doc’s pickup drives in.
Parks in space right in front.

Kelsey gets out. Looks at it
with disgust. Walks in.

INT. STOP N’ GULP - DAY
Some sappy country-and-western song plays
on an ancient boom box behind the counter.

The usual rows of junk food.
Beer and soda behind glass cases.

Slurpee machine. Tiny, shitty
microwave for heating up shit.
A small fan pushes around the fetid air.

Sitting behind the counter is
VERNE (60’s), the manager.

Good ol’ boy from Louisiana.
Round, pleasant face. Big gut.

Right now he’s reading
a girlie magazine.
Eyes filled with lust.

A bell on the door JINGLES.
Kelsey walks in.

Walks up to the counter.
Leans against it.
Lowers her shades.

KELSEY
I’m here about the job.

Verne looks up. Holy shit.
He stares at her chest.

VERNE
Ever work in a convenience store?

KELSEY
Nope.

VERNE
Ever work a register?

KELSEY
I can learn.
How hard can it be?

VERNE
You’re hired.

INT. STOP N’ GULP - DAY
Kelsey sits behind the counter.
Verne stands nearby
showing her the ropes.

Beyond excited.
Pointing out stuff.

VERNE
Now over there’s the baseball bat,
an over there’s the shotgun.

KELSEY
A SHOTGUN? Nice.

VERNE
You know how to handle one?

KELSEY
Of course.

VERNE
And remember, you don’t know
the combination to the safe.

KELSEY
You didn’t give it to me.

VERNE
I mean, in case someone
tries to rob you.

Kelsey nods. Blank stare.

VERNE
Well, that’s about it.
I’m gonna go to the bank,
make a deposit.
(meaningfully)
I’ll come back and
check on you later.

KELSEY
Gee. Can’t wait.

VERNE
I was thinkin’ --
when your shift ends,
how bout you and I
gettin’ a bite to eat?

KELSEY
Oh, gosh. I can’t.
I’m busy. Sorry.

VERNE
Another time. See ya later.

He tips his cap.
Walks out the door.

The bell over the door
JINGLES as he leaves.

Kelsey sighs.
Lights up a smoke.

KELSEY
Thank fucking GOD.
(imitates him)
'How bout you and I
gettin’ a bite to eat?'
In your dreams, fat ass.

The bell JINGLES. In walks Ray.
He sees Kelsey. Big grin.

RAY
Well, what have we got here?