The Tiny Terror

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Hump Day. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 18 of THE DISH, Haven and Jett race into the houseboat to figure out what to do about Haven's slowly dying husband, but get interrupted by midget neighbor Nola Bliss, who knows they're trying to kill him ...


INT. CRAYCE HOUSEBOAT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Buster comes BOUNDING in.
Followed by Haven. Then Jett.

HAVEN
That’s what I’m telling you. Listen --

We hear low, ANGUISHED MOANING
from upstairs.

JETT
What’s happening to him?

HAVEN
His body is screaming out for insulin,
but he’s not getting any,
so his blood sugar is plummeting.
He’s having seizures. Bad ones.

JETT
How long -- will it take for him to --

HAVEN
A couple hours.
Maybe more. I dunno.
(beat)
They didn’t teach us about this
at the nursing academy.

JETT
What if you gave him a shot of insulin?
Make it look like you tried to save him?
What would happen?

HAVEN
If it’s in time,
it would save his life.
(beat)
So how do I explain not helping him?

JETT
You went to sleep in the guest bedroom.
You weren’t feeling well --

HAVEN
But I can fucking HEAR him.

JETT
Not if you sleep with earplugs. I do.

Another MOAN. This time, LOUDER.

FEMALE VOICE (O.C.)
Hello, is anybody home?

In walks NOLA.
More than a few sheets to the wind.

HAVEN
Nola, what are you doing here?

Another MOAN.

NOLA
What the fuck am I DOING HERE?
Your husband sounds like he’s
DYING up there.

HAVEN
He’s fine, it’s a new medication --

JETT
We’ve got it handled.

Nola stares. Quivering with anger.

NOLA
I know what’s going on between you too.
I’ve seen you fucking and sucking
like monkeys in the zoo.

HAVEN
You fucking BITCH --

JETT
Haven --

NOLA
And now you’re trying to
KILL him, for what?
The INSURANCE MONEY?
Well, I’ve SEEN THAT MOVIE,
and you’re NOT getting AWAY with it.

She pulls out her cell phone.
Jett races over, GRABS it.

Nola starts POUNDING on her chest
with tiny fists.

NOLA
No, STOP!
Give that BACK!
Give that BACK!

JETT
Quiet, please!
Let me explain!

NOLA
No! I’m gonna call the COPS!

JETT
(sees something)
Haven, NO!

HAVEN
stands behind Nola. Bends down, and
SHOVES a BUTCHER KNIFE in Nola’s back.
The little demon SCREAMS in pain.

NOLA
You STABBED ME! Fucking BITCH!

HAVEN
FUCK YOU! Fucking MIDGET!

Incensed, in shock, Nola turns and
ATTACKS Haven like a wild animal,
BITING, KICKING, SCRATCHING.

Haven tries to fight back,
but she’s no match against
the tiny terror.

NOLA
I’m gonna fucking KILL YOU!

HAVEN
No, STOP!

JETT
Leave HER ALONE!

Jett GRABS Nola.
THROWS her across the room.

She HITS the wall with
a sickening THWUMP.

BANGS onto the floor.
Lights out.

A pool of BLOOD
starts spreading.

HAVEN
Fucking nosy MIDGET --

The Postman Only Rings Once

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 17 of THE DISH, B-movie starlet Haven Crayce pays an emergency visit to her adulterous lover Jett Targo's joint to get some help ... killing her husband.


EXT. JETT’S APARTMENT - BALCONY - NIGHT
Lit by a gas lamp.

Jett sits at a small cafe
table with a laptop.

A half-dozen empty beer bottles
litter the surface.

She lights a smoke.
Looks intently at the screen.

ON THE SCREEN
we see a scene from
THE POSTMAN ALWAYS RINGS TWICE.

LANA TURNER, resplendent in a
white one-piece bathing suit,
sashays down the stairs.

Stops.
James Garfield leers.

JAMES GARFIELD (V.O.)
With my brains and your looks,
we could really go places --

JETT
looks at her wistfully.
Takes a pull from her longneck.

JETT
I’ll have to get Haven
one of those.

Her cell phone BRING-RINGS.
She picks it up.

JETT
This is Jett.

HAVEN (V.O.)
It’s me.

JETT
Hello, you.
What’s up?

HAVEN (V.O.)
I need to see you.

JETT
But I thought --

HAVEN (V.O.)
It’s an emergency.
Dart, he --
(beat)
I’m right outside.
Can I come up?

Jett looks, sees --

HAVEN
standing in the driveway
down below.

With Buster on a leash.
Small and scared-looking.

She waves, a hopeful
half-smile.

JETT
My place is a mess.
I’ll be right down.

EXT. JETT’S APARTMENT BUILDING - DRIVEWAY - MOMENTS LATER
Jett dashes over to Haven. Worried.
Pulls her down the driveway
to where it ends at the canal.

JETT
What’s up?
Did something go wrong?

HAVEN
He went into shock.
He’s having -- an attack.

JETT
That’s good, right?

HAVEN
Yeah, but he’s so -- loud.
I’m scared.
I’m afraid he’s gonna
wake up the neighborhood,
especially fucking Nola.
Can you come back
to the boat with me?

JETT
Isn’t that kinda dangerous?
What about --

HAVEN
It’s one in the morning.
Everyone’s lights are out.
(beat)
And I want to keep it that way --

A Place In The Sun

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 16 of THE DISH, n'er do well meth tweaker Rush Madder convinces adulterous lesbian personal trainer Jett Targo to let him crash on her couch after being up for eight days. Meanwhile, back on her houseboat, B-movie starlet Haven Crayce changes her husband Dart's insulin pump ... with a defective battery ...


EXT. JETT’S APARTMENT BUILDING - NUGHT
Jett pulls out her keys.
Opens her mailbox.

sifts through the envelopes.
Unlocks, opens the front door.

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
Jett --

She WHIRLS around, sees --

RUSH MADDER
in the shadows of the front porch.

JETT
WHAT?
(beat)
Jesus fucking Christ,
you scared the shit out of me.

RUSH
Jett, please -- I need your help.

JETT
I asked you to stay away from me.
I’ll call the fucking cops
if you don’t leave, now.

RUSH
I’ve been -- up for eight days.
I need, need to -- need to crash.

JETT
EIGHT days?

RUSH
Please, Jett.
I just need to -- to crash for awhile.
Then I promise I’ll go. I promise.
(beat)
I need your help. Please.

JETT
Can’t you sleep in your car?

RUSH
In this neighborhood? In MY car?
(off her stare)
I’ll be good. I promise.
I just -- need to sleep.

Pause.

JETT
Goddammit.
(beat)
Give me your car keys.

RUSH
My -- keys?

JETT
Yeah.
So you can’t rip me off
and split in the middle of the night.

RUSH
(weak smile, tosses his keys)
How big is your couch?

INT. CRAYCE HOUSEBOAT - MASTER BEDROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
Haven threads a film into the projector.
Dart watches from his bed.
He bites into a small cookie, chews.

DART
A Place in the Sun.
Haven’t seen that picture in years.
(weird smile)
That Liz Taylor -- she was a pip.
A real pip.

HAVEN
Liz Taylor?
Isn’t she a little -- big?

DART
My god, are you dense.
When Liz Taylor was young,
in her prime, she was the
most beautiful woman in Hollywood.

He reaches over to the bedside table.
Grabs another cookie.

HAVEN
(sees this)
That’s your last cookie, Dart.
We don’t want your sugar spiking.

She finishes with the projector.
Pulls a packet of batteries
out of her pocket.

We see the package
has been taped closed.

HAVEN
Okay.
Time to change the battery
on your pump.

DART
Again? So soon?

HAVEN
Silly boy.
You know we change
the battery every Sunday.
And with all the excitement
about your coming home,
I forgot this morning.

Haven goes to Dart,
pulls up his night shirt.

An INSULIN PUMP hangs on
the waistband of his pajama bottoms.

As Haven changes the battery,
Dart grabs another cookie. Hides it.

HAVEN
(CLICKS it in place)
Okay, that -- does it.
(arranges his shirt)
And now it’s show time.

DART
(wistfully)
A Place in the Sun --

Haven shuts off the lights.
Starts the projector.

Gets her cocktail from
the bedside table. Sits.

ON THE SCREEN
we see the film start.
In glorious black and white.

No Stalking On Sunday

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 15 of THE DISH, B-movie starlet Haven Crayce and her adulterous lover Jett Targo make a big decision ... to kill Haven's husband Dart later that night ...


EXT. THE SAFE HAVEN - REAR DECK - MORNING
Overcast and foggy.

A bit of a chill.
Wind FLAPS the sails.

Jett trains Haven on the deck.
They both look sad.

HAVEN
Funny.
No Trimmer.
No Nola.

JETT
No stalking on Sunday.
(beat)
What time is he
supposed to get here?

HAVEN
Any minute now.

JETT
These last three days
have been -- nice.
Really nice.
It went by so fast.

HAVEN
Imagine what it’s going
to be like after he’s --

JETT
I know.
It’s all I can think about.

HAVEN
So when are we going to --

JETT
I don’t know.
Maybe we should wait
a little while.

HAVEN
I can’t wait.
I can’t stand it anymore, Jett.
I don’t wanna have to --
service him anymore.
I want this to be over with,
so we can be together.
(stops lifting)
We have to do it tonight.

JETT
Tonight?

HAVEN
Yeah.
We’ve only known
each other a few days,
so no one will suspect
there’s anything going on.

JETT
That’s true.

HAVEN
(evil smile)
And besides, I’m doing
all the heavy lifting.
(sees something)
There’s the hospital van.
You better get going.

JETT
Okay. Good luck.
I’ll see you tomorrow morning.

HAVEN
I don’t think the grieving widow
should be weight training.
I’ll come see you.

JETT
You’re right.
(turns, eyes well up)
Okay, bye --

Jett hustles off down
the gangplank in the
other direction.

PUSH IN ON Haven.
Looking to her right.
Concerned smile.

HAVEN
Dart, honey!
It’s so good to SEE you.

Wanton Acts Of Illicit Desire

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 14 of THE DISH, after Dart goes to the hospital under doctor's orders to have some tests taken, Haven and Jett are finally alone on the houseboat and can get 'up close and personal.'


INT. CRAYCE HOUSEBOAT - MASTER BEDROOM -
Dart lies in bed, scowling.
Dr. Bing holds a stethoscope on Dart’s chest.
Haven and Jett stand nearby, watching.

BING
Heart rate is a bit high --
(to Dart)
I’d like you to come to St. Luke’s
for a couple of days so I can run some tests.

DART
No hospitals. I hate hospitals.

HAVEN
Can’t you run tests -- here?

BING
I’m sorry, but I want to run a cat scan,
do an MRI, some blood work --

DART
No hospitals, godammit.

BING
Still feisty. That’s good.
You’re a fighter. But I’m sorry,
Dart, I’m going to have to insist.

He pulls out his cell phone.
Punches a number. Listens.

BING
Yes. This is Dr. Bing Birmingham.
I have a patient I’d like to admit --

PUSH IN ON Haven and Jett.
Exchanging nervous glances.

A CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE
is gripped by red-nailed hands.
The cork POPS.

INT. MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT
Shades are drawn.
Candles are flickering.
Soft music bubbles.

In bed are Haven,
saucy in red panties and bra.

And Jett, suave in a black tank top.
Cut arm muscles glistening.

A champagne bottle erupts
in a geyser of FOAM.

Haven and Jett try to catch it
with their flutes. LAUGHING.

HAVEN
Shit! It’s getting all over the bed!

JETT
So we’ll wash the sheets.
Who’s gonna complain?

HAVEN
NOBODY!

Jett takes a sip.
Haven GUZZLES hers.

HAVEN
More, more!
(pours another, raises glass)
A toast --

JETT
(raises hers)
A toast --

HAVEN
To three days all by ourselves.

JETT
To wanton acts of illicit desire.

They CLINK. Drink.

HAVEN
That sounds like a line from a movie.

JETT
That Killing Feeling.

HAVEN
The one where two guys rob a bank --

JETT
Farley Granger and Sal Mineo.
With a homoerotic subtext
that gives a new meaning
to the phrase
'riding off into the sunset.'

Haven puts her hand on Jett’s thigh.

HAVEN
Speaking of illicit desire --

Jett leans over. Kisses Haven softly.
Touches her face.

JETT
You are -- so beautiful.

Haven smiles. Thinking.
A storm cloud passes. Bites her lip.

JETT
What’s wrong?

HAVEN
We have to come up with our plan.
Right away. We don’t have much time.
(beat)
We’re being watched.

JETT
You’re right.
(grabs her glass, takes a sip)
I’ve been thinking.
I think I have an idea.
(beat)
What if the battery died
in his insulin pump?

HAVEN
But I change the battery once a week.

JETT
But what if you put in
a defective battery?
By mistake. On purpose.
There would be no suspicion.
If you didn’t change the batteries,
then it would be suspicious.
But if you put in a defective battery,
by mistake --

HAVEN
That’s fucking brilliant.
(beat)
But where do we get a defective battery?

JETT
We drain a new one.
Put one in a flashlight or something.
Leave it on until it’s almost dead.
(beat)
So how long -- would it take?

HAVEN
How long would what take?

JETT
For him to -- you know.

HAVEN
I dunno. A couple hours?
Maybe a little longer.
He’ll go into insulin shock,
which at his age would be fatal.
(beat)
But what am I supposed to do while he’s --

JETT
You screen a movie every night, right?

HAVEN
YES. But, wait -- most of
those movies are short.
A little over an hour.

JETT
So you pick a long one.
I just saw A Place In The Sun,
and it’s over two hours.

HAVEN
Perfect. I’ve never seen it,
and he’ll be impressed I want to.
(thinks)
And if we have little wine,
he’ll fall asleep --

JETT
Then it’s a plan.

They raise their glasses. Toast.

JETT
To -- doing this.

HAVEN
To -- gether.
(beat)
Straight down the line.

They drink.
Drain their glasses.

Jett takes the bottle.
Slowly pours champagne on Haven’s thigh.

HAVEN
Hey! What are you doing? That’s COLD.

Jett smiles, leans down.
Starts licking it off.

Haven writhes in ecstasy.
Little kitty moans.
Jett GRABS the comforter --

JETT (O.C.)
Heh-heh-heh --

HAVEN (O.C.)
Wait, that’s --
(beat)
Yeah, RIGHT THERE.
(beat)
Oh MY GOD.

Houseboat Call

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Hump Day. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 13 of THE DISH, while trying to plot Dart's murder, Haven and Jett get interrupted by Haven's neighbor, Nola Bliss a little person actress ... and then Dart's doctor, who arrives to check on his health after his bathroom accident ...


EXT. MARINA DOCK / HOUSEBOAT - DAY

NOLA BLISS
stands on the dock in a tiny running suit.
Bottle of imported beer in one hand,
the rest of the six pack in the other.

She pads up the gangplank on little feet.
Big smile and a wave.

HAVEN
Nola.
This is a nice surprise.
What’s going on?

NOLA
I’m celebrating.
Just got a role in
the new Jason Statham flick,
The Inter-rogator.
Joe Carnahan HAD to have me.

HAVEN
That’s great.
So you’re, what -- the love interest?

NOLA
I wish.
I’m an assassin.

They look at each other.
Fake smiles.

NOLA
Beer?

HAVEN
Sorry, I’m -- working out.

NOLA
You certainly are.

JETT
(offers her hand)
Hi, I’m Jett.
Her trainer.

NOLA
Nice to meet you.
(gives her the once-over)
Do you have any openings?
I might have to get in shape
for this role.

JETT
My schedule’s pretty full.
But let me check,
and I’ll get back to you.

NOLA
Super.
(to Haven)
So how is your husband?
Is he okay?
That was a pretty nasty fall.

HAVEN
He’s -- fine, thanks.

NOLA
That’s good. Whew.
(brightly)
Well, I gotta toodle-oo.
Gotta wardrobe fitting.
Ciao, darlings.

She smiles, turns, and
skittles down the gangplank.

JETT
What’s going on here?

HAVEN
Fucking nosy midget.
Spying on me.
(thinks)
We’re going to have to do it soon.
Have you thought of anything yet?

JETT
Yeah. His insulin pump?

HAVEN
What about it?

JETT
I’ve been researching what happens
if it fails --

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
Top o’ the mornin,’ Mrs. Crayce!

Haven turns, sees --

‘BING’ BIRMINGHAM, MD (70’S).
Tall, hulking with a big gut,
shock of white hair.

Gap-toothed smile
in a soft, doughy face.

Waddling up the gangplank
with his doctor’s bag.

HAVEN
Dr. Birmingham.
Nice to see you.

BING
Gorgeous day for a workout.
I see you’ve hired a trainer.
(offers his hand to Jett)
Bing Birmingham, MD.
But you can call me Dr. Bing.
Everyone does.

JETT
(takes hand, shakes)
Dr. -- Bing. Jett Targo, hi.

PUSH IN ON Bing.
Suddenly serious.

BING
Let’s go see the patient --

Baptism By Water

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 12 of THE DISH, sheriff's deputy Trimmer Waltz pays another visit to Haven and Crayce at the houseboat and asks how Dart is doing after his accident, which makes them realize he's been spying on them ...


EXT. HOUSEBOAT - THE NEXT MORNING
A gorgeous, perfect, sunshiny morning.
Jett trains Haven outside on the deck.

HAVEN
What was I supposed to say?
You can’t come and examine him
because he might have to
go to the hospital
and then we can’t KILL him?

JETT
What time is he supposed to be here?

HAVEN
Any minute now.

JETT
Shit.

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
Mornin’, ladies.

Jett and Haven look, see --

TRIMMER WALTZ
on his Sheriff’s boat.
Big ol’ grin on his face.

JETT
(nods)
Deputy.

HAVEN
Trimmer.

TRIMMER
Sure is a gorgeous day.

JETT
Yes, sir.

TRIMMER
(to Haven)
How is your husband doing?
Has he recovered from that nasty fall?

HAVEN
(surprised)
Uh -- he’s fine.

TRIMMER
Lucky for him you were around.
Hate to see anything happen to him.

The radio SQUAWKS.
Trimmer picks up the receiver.
Listens.

TRIMMER
Holy COW.
I’ll be right there, chief.
(clicks it off, looks at them)
Pregnant lady fell in the drink
at the Fisherman’s Wharf.
Baptism by water.
Heh-heh-heh.
(salutes)
See ya later.
And he ZOOMS away.

HAVEN
What the fuck?

JETT
How did he find out?
You think he’s --

HAVEN
Watching us?

JETT
I dunno, I --

FEMALE VOICE (O.C.)
Ahoy, mateys!

HAVEN
(turns, looks)
Nola.

JETT
Who is THAT?

HAVEN
Neighbor from hell.

NOLA BLISS
stands on the dock
in a tiny running suit.

Bottle of imported beer
in one hand,
the rest of the six pack
in the other.

She pads up the gangplank
on little feet.
Big smile and a wave.

HAVEN
Nola.
This is a nice surprise.
What’s going on?

NOLA
I’m celebrating.
Just got a role in the
new Jason Statham flick,
The Inter-rogator.
Joe Carnahan HAD to have me --