Gag Me With A Spoon

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 23 of THE INVISIBLE GIRL, Muffin, Brad and the popular kids clique make a plan to get even with overweight teen Bettie Bee at the prom ...


INT. HIGH SCHOOL CLASSROOM - DAY
Muffin and Brad sit on the
teacher’s desk in their usual places,
steering the popular ship.

The rest of the gang sits at their desks.
Everyone looks spooked. Freaked out.

BRAD
So everyone saw the video?

RONNIE
(nods)
Made Tila and me puke
technicolor rainbows of ew.

TILA
And we weren’t even
doing jello shots.

EMERALD
It made me gag
on my own gag reflex.

GRETCHEN
Made me spew bite-sized chunks.
In SAUCE.

MUFFIN
God. Disgusting much, Gretch?

GRETCHEN
I TOLD you not to call me Gretch,
it makes me sound like a guitar.

BRAD
Enough. We get it.
So we have to DO something about it.
NOW. Bettie Bee MUST be stopped.
Or else one of us is next.

BERT
What about the cops?
Aren’t they on the case?

MUFFIN
Apparently NOT, my
inhuman growth whore-moan.
Drake Monsterburg is DEAD.
Does THAT sound like
they’re on the case?

BERT
Then what are we supposed to DO?

BRAD
We’re gonna do something more
than just dump pig’s blood on her --
(beat)
We’re gonna TRAP her.
Then we can turn her over to the cops.

WHIT
But how are we gonna get her to come?
It would seem to me that’s she’s, uh
-- kind of MAD at us?

MUFFIN
Not to worry, my metrosexual one.
After racking my brain -- and my rack --
I’ve come up the solution.

BRAD
This is the part where Muffin’s genius
elevates her WAY above being
an object of teenage lust.

MUFFIN
Oh, YOU --
(playfully punches him on the shoulder)
It’s simple. We make her PROM QUEEN.
(off their looks)
I mean, what Twilight-loving virgin
can resist THAT?

RONNIE
But isn’t the prom queen crowned AT the prom?

MUFFIN
Details. So we change the rules.
Rig the vote. Total prom domination.

BRAD
Exactly. I mean -- we’re popular.
We can get away with murder.