Tuesday, April 23, 2013

The Days Of Wine And Lesbos



Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 20 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, suspended homicide detective Carrie Love and porn star Laura Lang have a snack after their evening of debauchery. The next morning, detective Bernie Keko tracks down Carrie at her favorite dive bar to inform her that teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty has killed her latest victim ... the chick that Carrie's been cheating on Laura with ...


INT. CARRIE’S KITCHEN - BAR - DAWN
The lovers sit on bar stools.
Carrie feeds Laura a White Castle cheeseburger
with her fingers.

CARRIE
I think I hurt my back.

LAURA
I think I hurt my tongue.

Pause.

CARRIE
It feels like,
I don’t know anything anymore.
If I can orgasm --
without you even touching me --

LAURA
But I was.

CARRIE
Yeah.

They stare at each other.
Goofy. Lean in. Kiss.

LAURA
Mmm. That was good.

CARRIE
And you liked the burger?

LAURA
You taste better.
(beat)
Would you nuke a couple more?
Please?

CARRIE
For you, my love --
I’d nuke heaven and earth.

She goes to microwave, pops a few in.

CARRIE (CONT’D)
So what’s the name of the video?

LAURA
Electro-Glide in Lube.
It was supposed to be Blade-Fucker,
but Klaus got scared that
Warner Brothers might give him a problem.

CARRIE
Aren’t you scared?
I’ve seen that gear.
Looks kinda dangerous to me.
All that voltage in your --

The microwave DINGS.

CARRIE (CONT'D)
You know.

LAURA
Don’t worry, love, I’ll be fine.
Klaus said I’d have the controls.
(beat)
Set phasers to ‘stun.’
So to speak.

Carrie comes in with an
offering for her goddess.

CARRIE
I know.
I’m sorry -- I -- that was stupid.

Pause.

LAURA
(very quiet)
Thanks.
(looks at the plate, then her)
You’re so good to me.

CARRIE
You’re so good to ME.

Laura’s eyes are bright, liquid.
She looks small, fragile
in her big, white terrycloth robe.
Makeup long gone.

LAURA
Sometimes I -- don’t think
I deserve someone like you.

CARRIE
Hey, enough of that. Listen.
You deserve it. I deserve it.
We’re just people. Both of us.

Pause.

LAURA
Then -- why doesn’t it feel like it?

INT. THE CIRCLE BAR - MORNING
The Supremes’ STONE LOVE plays softly on the juke.
Bright. Cheerful. Full of soul.

Unlike the bar. Dark. Quiet.
Inhabited by drunks at 9AM.

Carrie pours herself into plush bar stool.
Orders her favorite poison.

Hears the music.
Takes off a combat boot --
And FLINGS IT at the music -- THWAP.

The record stops -- THWIK.

PABLO, the bartender,
Vin Diesel on sleep deprivation --
CRACKS his knuckles.

CARRIE
Sorry about that.
(beat)
Love songs make me wanna kill someone.
Put it on my tab.
(beat)
Better set up another.

BARTENDER
(pours)
Trouble with the ladies again?

CARRIE
Lady. A woman -- girl, really.
(beat)
Ladies. Sounds so --
(takes a big slug)
Demure. Pristine.

BARTENDER
Well, that's the idea, isn't it?
I mean, who doesn't want a lady?

Long pause.

CARRIE
My girlfriend, Pablo.
My fucking girlfriend.

AT THE FRONT
Bernie ambles in,
spies his prey, grins.
Shakes his head.

KEKO
(sings)
The days of wine and lesbos --

CAMERA follows him to the bar, laughing.

CARRIE
Get the fuck out of my bar, detective.

KEKO
Oh, 'your bar?'
This is your bar?
I bet Donnie Dapello
would find that interesting.
Did you finally pay off the vig --
or did the old man finally die
and leave you his estate?

CARRIE
This isn’t some stupid movie, Bernie --
where the former lovers
have to work together,
fight for awhile,
confront each other, change --
patch up their differences --
and end up back together,
happily ever after.
This is my life.
And I want you out of it.

KEKO
Ooh. That’s real hard-boiled
lady dick lingo, little girl.
You think I came here to do a
little Hepburn-Tracy dance with you?
Well, think again,
miss carpet muncher.
I’m here because Lipshitz
wants to see you.

Carrie grabs the bottle.
Pours a shot. Pounds it.

CARRIE
What. He’s gonna ask me
to turn in my swiss army knife
and my decoder ring?

KEKO
You know Double D-Girl --
the airbrushed filly you’ve
been two-timing Miss gang-bang with?

She stops cold.
Gives him a look that maims --
then kills.

CARRIE
What the fuck is it to you.

KEKO
She was found this morning
in her apartment.
In about a hundred pieces.
Spread like chunky peanut butter --

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