Monday, November 30, 2009

Three Sheets To The Wind

You say you don't like Mondays? Especially after a long weekend? Feeling a bit ... over-stuffed? Ready to kill your family? Quit your job? Then load up your favorite weapon, crime fiends, and come blow off a little steam ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's joint from LITTLE GIRL BLUE, where the action is really heating up ...

When we last left our story, private eye Carrie Love had just rescued would-be stripper/college coed Blue Wonder from gangster Tolly Chill and his cronies ... and then gets a call on her cell from her brother ... it seems that their mother has just had a stroke ... and to make matters worse, it's Christmas Eve, and Carrie's stepmother is on her way ...

Watch out for the big, bad wolf ...


EXT. BEVERLY HILLS MANSION -NIGHT
A giant Tudor monstrosity on an acre of land off Sunset Boulevard.
A long driveway behind a gated entrance.
Giant trees in the yard lit with tasteful white Christmas lights.

INT. MANSION - STUDY - CONTINUOUS
An ANGRY-LOOKING WOMAN (50’s)
paces back and forth in front a roaring fire.
Pert, classic WASP good looks, very Ralph Lauren.
She clutches a glass of scotch on the rocks.

Meet MARGO LOVE, Carrie’s mother.
Right now she’s three sheets to the wind.
And wracked with pain.

MARGO
(to someone offscreen)
I called her a couple of HOURS ago.
Where the hell IS SHE?
It’s CHRISTMAS EVE.

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
Maybe the batteries died on her cell.
She’ll call, don’t worry.

Reveal SETH LOVE (20), Carrie’s sibling.
Last brother standing.
Intense good looks.
Tori Amos T-shirt.

Holds a bottle of something imported.
He takes a swig.

MARGO
And that bitch EVA is on her way over.

SETH
She just wants to help, Mom.
It’s the holidays.

MARGO
Yeah, right.
She HELPED herself to half of your father’s money.
(drains her drink)
And what did I GET?
A PITTANCE.
A mere PITTANCE.

She THROWS the glass in the fireplace.
It SHATTERS.

SETH
Calm down, Mom.
You know what the doctor said.

MARGO
That quack can go FUCK himself.
And that BITCH isn’t stepping ONE FOOT in this house.
She’s a conniving SACK OF SHIT.

She clutches her chest.
Her face turns red.
She starts GAGGING.
Hits the floor. THWUMP.
Starts having a stroke.

Seth RACES to her aid.
Holds her hand.

SETH
Hold on, Mom -- HOLD ON.

He WHIPS OUT his cell phone.
Furiously PUNCHES 911.

INT. CARRIE’S OLDS - MOVING - NIGHT
Carrie drives the car down Laurel Canyon into Beverly Hills.

CARRIE
I’ve got some -- bad news.

BLUE
What? You found out who --

CARRIE
Yeah.
(beat)
Tolly Chill killed your sister.

BLUE
How do you know THAT?

CARRIE
I overheard him talking to his father about it --
in the room you were in.
(looks at her)
He recognized you right away.

BLUE
Then why did he take me to a PARTY?

CARRIE
He was planning on --
having some fun with you,
then killing you.

Blue looks out the window.
A tear streams down her cheek.

BLUE
I guess I’m not in Kansas anymore.

CARRIE
(looks in the mirror)
Welcome to the big, bad city.
(beat)
The question is, where do we go?
We can’t go back to my place,
because I gave Goombah Tolly my card.
(looks at her)
Where are you staying?

BLUE
At a motel near the club.
The International.

CARRIE
Scratch that.
They’ll check all the hotels and motels.
DEEP pockets.

Carrie’s phone RINGS.
She answers it.

CARRIE
Love here.

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. MANSION - STUDY - CONTINUOUS
Seth paces back and forth.
Watches an EMS team tend to Margo.
A PRIVATE NURSE stands by, watching.

SETH
Carrie, it’s Seth.

CARRIE
Hey, little brother.
Listen, I’m sorry.
I just got Mom’s message --

SETH
Don’t worry about that.
It’s Mom. She had a stroke --

CARRIE
Mom had A STROKE?

SETH
She’s okay. It was a mild one.
EMS is here now. They say she’s okay.
We’ve got a private nurse,
and they’re gonna set Mom up here in the den.

CARRIE
She’s not going to the HOSPITAL?

SETH
You know Mom hates hospitals.

CARRIE
Don’t remind me.
I’ll never forget having to
stitch up her forehead that time --

SETH
Can you come over?
I’m a little freaked out.
Eva’s coming over,
and I’m afraid her head is gonna explode.
You’re the only one that can --
you know, calm her down.

CARRIE
I’m on my way.
(looks at Blue)
I gotta warn you.
I’ve got company.

SETH
Work or play?

CARRIE
Strictly work.

SETH
Cool. Is she hot?

Friday, November 27, 2009

Lesbo Action

You say it's 'Black Friday?' Feel bloated and over-stuffed? Ready to kill someone? Then you've come to the right place ... where chicks are hot, the drinks are cold and the hardboiled pulp is steaming ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's joint from LITTLE GIRL BLUE, where the blood not only flows, it congeals ...

Where private eye Carrie Love helps amateur stripper/college coed Blue Wonder escape the evil clutches of white slave trafficker Tolly Chill high up in the Hollywood Hills ...


INT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS MANSION - STUDY - NIGHT
Carrie shuts the door.

CARRIE
We’re gonna have to go out the window.

BLUE
You got any coffee?

Carrie pours her another cup.
Blue drinks it.

Carrie goes to the window.
Tries to PUSH it up.
But it won’t budge.

CARRIE
Shit.

BLUE
Maybe it’s locked.
Check the -- doohickey thing on top.

CARRIE
Smart ass.

She CLICKS it open.
Blue drains her cup. Smiles.

BLUE
My sister and I used to sneak out of the house all the time.
(beat)
Why are you dressed like that?

CARRIE
Long story. Tell you later.
Let’s get the fuck outta here.

Carrie climbs out the window.
Followed by Blue.

EXT. MANSION - SIDE YARD - CONTINUOUS
The girls walk toward the front of the house.
Carrie peers around the corner. Sees --

THE LARGE GOONS
Walking right toward her.

She slips back around the corner.
Takes Blue’s hand.

CARRIE
Someone’s coming.
Pretend you’re drunk.

And she GRABS Blue.
Starts making out with her.

BLUE
What are you --

CARRIE
Shhh.

Italian and Irish walk around the corner.

ITALIAN GOON
Fuck you, Mick.
She’s got the hots for me,
and you know it.

MICK
Yeah, right, Aldo.
Keep living in your little dreamworld.
She was makin’ eyes at ME.

They see Carrie and Blue.

MICK
Whoah. Lesbo action.

ALDO
Fucking HOT.

They walk by, eyeing the girls.

MICK
Way to go, LADIES.

ALDO
Can I join in?

Mick and Aldo snicker,
continue down around the house.

Carrie pulls away.
Watches them go. Lets go of Blue.

CARRIE
Sorry about that. Hope I didn’t scare you.

BLUE
No -- not at all. That was --
(beat)
Kinda -- nice.

CARRIE
Remember, I’m like a sister.
(looks around)
C’mon, let’s blow this white slavery stand.
Follow me.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

The Other White Meat

Happy Hump-Day, crime humpsters. Looking for a little stuffing ... up your ass? Wanna leg? A thigh? A high-powered semi-automatic weapon? Then shake your tail feathers over to the juiciest crime joint in cyberspace ... tastes great, less filling ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's joint from LITTLE GIRL BLUE, where we pick up the pace a bit ... when private eye Carrie Love rescues amateur stripper/college coed Blue Wonder from the clutches of white slave trafficker Tolly Chill and his father Gero, who have captured and drugged Blue, deep in the bowels of their Hollywood Hills mansion on Christmas Eve ...


EXT. POOL AREA - CABANA - NIGHT
Carrie leaves the cabana, now dressed in the drunk girl’s minidress.
Her hair is up, and she’s put on some makeup.
She ‘cleans up’ nicely.

She starts walking toward the party.

CARRIE
Always a bridesmaid --

Porkpie and another GOON walk by.
They give her the eye.

TALL GOON
Check out the gams on that one.

PORKPIE
Down, boy. We gotta filly to find.

EXT. PATIO - MOMENTS LATER
The auction is over. The patio is overflowing with guests mingling and smoking.
Carrie comes up the steps from the yard. Stops. Looks around.
Heads toward the entrance into the house.

Two MEN IN DASHIKIS watch her.

AFRICAN PRINCE
Now THAT is a fine specimen.
A meal fit for a king.

AFRICAN DIPLOMAT
The other white meat.

They look at each other. Chuckle.
Carrie nears the doorway.
Sees Tolly. Turns her head.

CARRIE
Shit.

And hurries inside.

INT. MANSION - REAR LOUNGE AREA - CONTINUOUS
Carrie walks down the corridor she was chased down earlier.
Gets to the door that Blue ran into. Looks around. Nobody.

She puts her ear against the wood. Listens.
Takes out a lock pick. Works it.
The door POPS open. She slips in.

INT. STUDY - CONTINUOUS
All lights out. Carrie tip-toes in the darkness.
She finds a lamp on the desk. CLICKS it on.
Sees Blue. Passed out in the chair. Head to the side.

CARRIE
BLUE.

She races over. Checks her pulse.

CARRIE (CONT’D)
Thank god.

The doorknob CLICKS.

CARRIE (CONT’D)
Shit.

She dashes over. CLICKS off the light.
Hides under the desk. The door OPENS.
In walks Tolly and Gero. The light CLICKS on.

TOLLY
See? I told you. She’s safe.

GERO
You fucking idiot.
What the fuck were you thinking,
bringing her HERE? Shit-head.
Always thinking with your dick.
(stares at Blue)
Wait a minute.
She’s the other dame’s sister, ISN’T she?
The one we had to whack.
The one that worked at the club.

TOLLY
Of course not.
You think I’m THAT stupid?

GERO
Yeah, I DO.
What were you planning to do with her?

TOLLY
Uh, I was gonna fuck her -- then whack her.

GERO
Well, there’s nothing wrong with that,
but you brought her HERE, to my HOME.

TOLLY
I didn’t wanna miss the party.
I was gonna do her afterwards --
and then take her somewhere and DO her.

GERO
Jesus fucking Christ on a stick.
(sighs)
Well, what’s done is done.
We’ll keep her here until the party’s over.
And then you whack her WITHOUT fucking her.
Got it?

TOLLY
Got it. I’m sorry, Pop.
I fucked up. Please forgive me.

GERO
Fuck it. It’s Christmas.
Let’s go join our guests.
I could really use a drink.

Tolly shuts off the light. They leave.
The door CLICKS shut.

Carrie emerges from under the desk.
She goes to Blue.
Unties her wrists, her feet.
Sees the ankle cuff.

CARRIE
She’s under house arrest.

Takes off the blindfold.
The gag. Sees she’s out cold.

She SLAPS Blue on the cheek.
Nothing. AGAIN. Still nothing.

CARRIE (CONT’D)
Shit.

Carrie looks around the room.
Sees a coffee machine.
She races over. Fills a cup with java.
Forces a cup down Blue’s throat.
Then another. Nothing.

Gets an idea.
She goes to the sink.
Fills a pitcher of water.
Carries it over to Blue --

And THROWS it on her face.
DRENCHING her. Blue stirs.

CARRIE (CONT’D)
NOW we’re talking.
(SLAPS her)
BLUE. Wake up. It’s ME, Carrie.

Blue opens her eyes. Groggy.

BLUE
Carrie?

CARRIE
C’mon. You gotta get up.
We gotta get you outta here.

BLUE
I’m -- all wet.

CARRIE
Sorry about that.

She LIFTS Blue up onto her feet.

BLUE
There were -- these men. They --

CARRIE
I know. Shhh. Save your strength.

Carrie pulls Blue toward the door.
Leans her up against the wall.
Slowly opens it. Peers out.

IN THE CORRIDOR
We see one of the GOONS standing guard.

IN THE STUDY
Carrie shuts the door.

CARRIE (CONT’D)
We’re gonna have to go out the window --

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Always A Bridesmaid

Happy Tuesday, hardboiled pulp motherfuckers. You ready to get your crime groove on? Ready for a swift kick in the gut? A karate chop to your head? Maybe a gun barrel in your mouth? Then you've come to the right place ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's joint from LITTLE GIRL BLUE, where the shit is hitting the fan, big time.

Amateur stripper/college coed Blue Wonder is being held captive by Tolly Chill and his goons at their Hollywood Hills mansion. It's Christmas Eve, and all is not jolly, as private eye Carrie Love has to first elude Tolly as she attempts to save Blue ...


EXT. SWIMMING POOL - CABANAS - NIGHT
A gorgeous, Olympic-sized pool lit from underneath.
Jutting out into the sky. A row of cabanas sit at one end, facing the view.
One of them has the curtains drawn. Light spilling out.

Carrie approaches the cabana. Carefully peers in.

A GOATEED HIPSTER lies next to
a GORGEOUS STARLET on a chaise.
She’s very drunk. Pushing him away.

GORGEOUS STARLET
I said NO, Josh. I don’t feel so good.

JOSH
You’ve been coming on to me all night.
(hands her a cocktail)
C’mon. Have another sip.
You’ll feel better.

GORGEOUS STARLET
NO MORE. I’ve had -- too much.

He smiles.
Starts pulling up the hemline of her minidress.

JOSH
C’mon, you know you want it.

GORGEOUS STARLET
NO, stop it -- I said NO.

CARRIE
The woman said NO.

He turns to look.
Carrie DASHES over.
Grabs him by the arm.
YANKS him off her.
He gets up. Livid. Weaving.

JOSH
Fucking bitch.
Mind your own business.
(assumes fighting stance)
Prepare to DIE.

CARRIE
You wanna fight?

She PUNCHES him the jaw, BANG.
He hits the ground, THWUMP.

CARRIE (CONT’D)
Boom, boom, boom -- out go the lights.
(looks at the woman)
You okay?

The woman smiles at him.
Her eyes say ‘thank you.’
She passes out.
Carrie takes off her jacket.

INT. MANSION - STUDY - CONTINUOUS
Blue sits in a chair.
Blindfolded. Gagged.
Wrists and feet tied.
Wearing an electronic ankle cuff.

Porkpie sits in a chair across the room, smoking.
Watching her. His cell RINGS. He answers it.

PORKPIE
Hey, boss.
I got the girl. She’s with me.
(low)
She tried to split. I had to --

INTERCUT WITH:

TOLLY
Outside on the patio.
Searching for Carrie.

TOLLY
Good. Keep her there.
And don’t tell anyone,
not even my father.

PORKPIE
Okay, but --

TOLLY
Shut up and listen to me.
There was a private detective at the club tonight,
and she followed us here.
I almost had her,
but she got away.
We gotta find her.
I think she’s onto us.

PORKPIE
You want me to stay here with the girl?

TOLLY
No, I need you to help me look.
Make sure she’s restrained,
and give her something to sleep for awhile.
We’ll deal with her later.

PORKPIE
Gotcha.

TOLLY
We’re out here in the back.
I need you and a couple of men
to check out the pool area. Got it?

PORKPIE
I’m on top of it, chief.

He hangs up.
Takes a syringe out of his pocket.
Walks over to Blue.
Looks at her fondly.

PORKPIE (CONT’D)
This won’t hurt a bit --

EXT. POOL AREA - CABANA - AT THAT MOMENT
Carrie leaves the cabana,
now dressed in the drunk girl’s minidress.
Her hair is up, and she’s put on some makeup.
She ‘cleans up’ nicely.

She starts walking toward the party.

CARRIE
Always a bridesmaid --

Monday, November 23, 2009

Smooth Criminal

Happy Monday, crime slicksters. You ready to get the week started off right? Ready for a hot ride to hell? For some hardboiled-pulp action so hot it burns? Then get your asses over to the coolest joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's episode of LITTLE GIRL BLUE, where things are starting to pick up ... and so are the chicks.

Amateur stripper/college coed Blue Wonder is being held captive in the study of strip club manager Tolly Chill's Hollywood Hills mansion after she tried to escape ... while private eye Carrie Love tries to rescue her. But first, she must escape Tolly's goons outside in the parking lot ...


INT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS MANSION - STUDY - NIGHT
A home office. Blinds drawn. Dark and quiet.
Soundproofed. Blue cowers in the corner.
Porkpie locks the door.

BLUE
Please don’t hurt me.

PORKPIE
(walks toward her)
Don’t be silly.
Tolly couldn’t find you.
He got worried.
(smiles)
C’mon. There’s nothing to be afraid of.

Blue GRABS a lamp. Raises it like a club.

BLUE
Stay AWAY from me.

Porkpie GRABS it with a meaty paw.
Shakes his head. Grins.

PORKPIE
Feisty little thing, aren’t you?

She makes a fist.
Tries to HIT him.
He GRABS it. SQUEEZES.

BLUE
OW.

He pulls a rag out of his pocket.
SHOVES it in her face.

She goes LIMP.
HITS the floor, THUD.

Porkpie shakes his head.
Pulls out his cell phone.
Punches in a number. Listens.

PORKPIE
It’s me, boss.
(beat)
Yeah, I found her.
She was trying to split.
(beat)
In the study.

IN THE CORRIDOR
Snooty gets in Carrie’s face.

SNOOTY CATERER
Oh YEAH?

CARRIE
Yeah, I QUIT.
Whaddaya think of that?

SNOOTY CATERER
I think you’re stupid.
If you quit, you won’t get paid.
Now get your ass in the kitchen
and get another plate.

TOLLY
Appears. Walking quickly toward them.
He sees Carrie. Stops.

TOLLY
YOU.

CARRIE
(sees him, to Snooty)
Shove it up your ASS.

And she SPRINTS off in the opposite direction.

TOLLY
STOP THAT WOMAN.

Carrie gets to the end of the corridor,
DARTS to the left.

TOLLY
Takes off after her.

CARRIE
Gets to a set of double doors,
BANGS through them into --

THE KITCHEN
A madhouse of COOKS, BUTLERS, CATERERS.
Carrie RUNS through. Everybody JUMPS back.
Tolly BURSTS in. Looks around. Stops.

FAT COOK
(points)
She went that way.

He NODS, takes off after her.

EXT. MANSION - CONTINUOUS
Carrie SLAMS out the back door.
RACES over to a row of cars in the staff parking lot.
DIVES behind a old Toyota.

Tolly RACES outside. Stops.
Looks around. WHIPS out his cell.

TOLLY
We’ve had a security breach.
I need every available man in the back.
Subject is female, dark haired, dressed like a caterer.
(listens)
Tall, big boobs --
(listens)
Just get your asses OUT HERE.

Tolly looks around. Walks over to the cars.

CARRIE
Hears his footsteps.
Crawls over to the next car over.

TOLLY
DASHES to the end.
TURNS the corner. Looks.

CARRIE
Scuttles across the cement between two cars.
ROLLS under the Toyota. Listens.
Tolly’s footsteps get nearer.

TOLLY (O.C.) (CONT'D)
I know you’re out here.
(pulls out his gun)
I’m not gonna hurt you.
I just wanna talk to you.

Carrie takes off a shoe.
WHIPS it to the side.
It HITS a garbage can with a BANG.

TOLLY
Turns at the sound.
RACES over to the trash cans.

TOLLY (CONT’D)
Come out, come out, wherever you are.

TWO GOONS
Come out the back door.
Tolly sees them. They trot over.

ITALIAN GOON
Hey, boss.

IRISH GOON
You find her?

TOLLY
Jesus fucking Christ.
Took you long enough.

He puts a finger to his mouth.
Shhhh. Nods at the cans.

KICKS one over.
LEAPS into the gap. Nothing.

TOLLY (CONT’D)
GODDAMMIT.

CARRIE
Rolls out from under the car.
Takes off her other shoe.

WINGS it in the other direction.
It hits a tree with a CRACK.

TOLLY
Hears it.

TOLLY (CONT’D)
THIS WAY, c’mon --

And they RACE OFF.

CARRIE
Slowly gets up.
Peers over the roof of the car.
Watches them.
Then starts walking in the opposite direction.

CARRIE
'Smooth Criminal.'
(beat)
Not.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Three Inputs, No Waiting

Happy Friday, crime suckers! Are you looking for some hot, sleazy, nasty kicks? Feeling a little hot under the collar ... and the crotch? Then it's time to get your balls in gear, and head on over to the coolest joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's lip-smackin' episode from LITTLER GIRL BLUE ... where we pick up the pace, and then give chase ...

When amateur stripper/college coed Blue Wonder discovers the charity auction she's attending at the party run by her new boss Tolly Chill in his Hollywood Hills mansion is all about selling under-aged Romanian chickies, she tries to escape ... and gets chased by Tolly's security guards ...

But luckily for her, private eye Carrie Love, disguised as a caterer, is hot on her trail ...


INT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS MANSION - GRAND BALLROOM - NIGHT
Blue fights back tears. Gulps down her fear.
She turns to Tolly. Tugs on his sleeve.

BLUE
I need to -- go to the ladies’ room.

TOLLY
Certainly.
(points)
You remember the way we came in?
The ladies is to the left.

BLUE
Okay, thanks.

She hurries off.

CARRIE
Sees her. Starts following, carefully. Slowly.

BLUE
Moves through the crowd.
Makes her way to the front.
Decides to go outside.
Approaches the front door.

TWO MUSCLED GUARDS in uniform with weapons stand sentry.
Blue smiles. Tries to move past them.

BLUE (CONT’D)
Excuse me --

STRANGE-LOOKING MUSCLED GUARD
I’m sorry, Miss.
No entrance or exit until after the auction.

UGLY MUSCLED GUARD
Paparazzi. You know.

Blue stares at them. Startled.
Something is wrong here.

BLUE
Oh. Okay.
(beat)
Where is the -- ladies’ room?

STRANGE-LOOKING MUSCLED GUARD
(points)
Over that way. Second door on the left.

BLUE
Thanks.

She dashes off.
Ugly pulls out a walkie-talkie.

UGLY MUSCLED GUARD
Boss. Your dame.
She’s getting antsy.
Tried to split.
(listens)
She went to the head.
(listens)
You got it.

He motions to someone.
Another GOON approaches.
We recognize him from the airport.
It’s Porkpie Hat.

PORKPIE HAT GOON
What’s up.

UGLY MUSCLED GUARD
Porkpie. Boss’ date tried to split.
She’s in the head.
Go get her and bring her back to him.

PORKPIE
Got it.

He moves toward the ladies’ room.

AT THE MAIN ENTRANCE
Carrie searches for Blue. Can’t find her.

IN THE BATHROOM
Blue goes into a stall. Closes the door.

Two EUROTRASH PLAYGIRLS walk in.
Go to the mirror.
Start fixing their faces.
Chattering excitedly.
Coked to the gills.

BLONDE EUROTRASH PLAYGIRL
Gero going to clean up tonight.
Four fresh, young virgins?
Right off boat? Hello? Is perfect gift.

BRUNETTE EUROTRASH PLAYGIRL
I was going to buy one, but Vlad said no.
They might have disease.

She pulls out a coke snifter.
HONKS a bump. Passes it Blonde.

BLONDE EUROTRASH PLAYGIRL
(takes it, SNORTS)
I told you.
Get girl from Thailand.
Much cheaper.
And orientals are more -- obedient.

BRUNETTE EUROTRASH PLAYGIRL
Obedient?

BLONDE EUROTRASH PLAYGIRL
Three inputs. No waiting.

They look at each other.
Erupt into MAD LAUGHTER.

IN THE STALL
Blue sits. Listening. HORRIFIED.

She stands. Adjusts her top.
PUSHES the door open --

And goes to the sink.
Grabs a towel.
Tries to dry her eyes.

BLONDE EUROTRASH PLAYGIRL (CONT'D)
Oh, honey. What is wrong? Husband got outbid?

BLUE
That girl, on the stage -- was being SOLD.

BRUNETTE EUROTRASH PLAYGIRL
But of course. You not know what party this is?

BLONDE EUROTRASH PLAYGIRL
Do not feel bad.
These girls are orphans.
No one love them.
This way, they get to have nice home. Money.
(gestures)
They will have EVERYTHING.

BLUE
But she wasn’t more than -- sixteen.
She’s a CHILD.

BRUNETTE EUROTRASH PLAYGIRL
So vat?
I didn’t get out of Latvia until I was twenty.
She is LUCKY.

BLUE
You’re CRAZY.
You’re -- SICK.
This is DISGUSTING.

Blue LURCHES.
Doesn’t feel good.
RETCHES in the sink.

Blonde and Brunette LEAP BACK.

BLONDE EUROTRASH PLAYGIRL
Disgusting AMERICAN.

BRUNETTE EUROTRASH PLAYGIRL
Cannot hold LIQUOR.

And they dash out. Clucking. Snickering.

IN THE BALLROOM
Tolly watches the auction.
Looks at his watch.

IN THE CORRIDOR OUTSIDE THE BATHROOM
Porkpie stands, waiting.

The door OPENS. Out comes Blue.
She sees him. Gets scared.

Starts RUNNING down the hall.
BUMPING into people.
He TAKES OFF after her.

BLUE
Opens a door half-way down the corridor.
DASHES in.

PORKPIE
Follows. SLAMS the door shut.

DOWN THE CORRIDOR
Stands Carrie. Watching.

She sees Blue
RACES toward the door.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Sore Thumb City

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. Are you ready for today's steaming slice of hardboiled pulp, with a side dish of revenge, served cold? Then get your asses over to the coolest joint in cyberspace, where the chicks are hot, and the action hotter ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's episode of LITTLE GIRL BLUE, where things are starting to get REALLY interesting ...

Amateur stripper/college coed Blue Wonder has been taken to a swanky holiday party in the Hollywood hills by strip club manager Tolly Chill, where a charity auction is about to begin. The problem is, the items up for bidding are under-aged Romanian girls, and Blue really does indeed begin to wonder what's going on ...

Meanwhile, private eye Carrie Love has disguised herself as a caterer, and is following Blue's every move ...


EXT. MANSION - BACK YARD - AT THAT MOMENT
Carrie makes her way carefully through the foliage.
Emerges in the rear of the back yard. Scopes out the crowd.

CARRIE
I don’t fit the dress code. Sore thumb city.

A SNOOTY CATERER walks by in a black and white uniform.
Carrie follows him. Calls out.

CARRIE (CONT’D)
Hey. The boss sent me. Said you needed more people.

Snooty turns around. Looks at Carrie. Sniffs.

SNOOTY CATERER
Well, I see someone is getting less picky.

INT. MANSION - BALLROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
Tolly and Blue stand and talk to another group of people.
A great-looking PRO BASEBALL PLAYER flirts with Blue.

PRO BASEBALL PLAYER
Milk-fed -- from the Midwest?

BLUE
Chicago suburbs, yes -- how did you know?

PRO BASEBALL PLAYER
I’m from Milwaukee.
Can spot a free-range filly every time.

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
Even without performance-enhancing supplements?

Reveal GERO CHILLIOCA (60’s), a short, barrel-chested guy.
Hair in a white pompadour. Cigar. Suave. Sophisticated.
Criminal mastermind deluxe. And Tolly’s father.

GERO
Tolly, there you are.
(sees Blue)
And what have we HERE?

TOLLY
I told you, pop. Heaven sent us an angel.

GERO
(takes Blue’s hand)
Pleased to meet you, Miss Wonder.
Tolly’s told me alot about you.

BLUE
He has? He did? But we -- just met.

GERO
Ah, but great beauty travels fast.

The background music STOPS.

ACROSS THE ROOM
A MAN IN A TUXEDO
stands on a small platform behind a podium.
He leans into the microphone.
BANGS a small gavel.

AUCTIONEER
Ladies and gentlemen.
Your attention, please.
It is time for the auction to begin.

TOLLY
Takes Blue’s hand.

TOLLY
Follow me, my love.

He pulls her toward the front.
Gero turns to an ASSOCIATE.

GERO
She looks a lot like that other girl
he was dating, don’tcha think?
The one that -- disappeared?

ACROSS THE ROOM
We see Carrie.
Dressed as a caterer, holding a tray of drinks.
She scans the room. Looking for Blue.

ON THE STAGE
The auctioneer addresses the crowd,
now gathered in front of the stage.

A YOUNG GIRL (16) stands next to him,
elegant in Chanel. Simply beautiful.
Coiffed to perfection.

If you look really carefully,
you’ll recognize her as one of the hostages
we saw earlier in the plane.

CLOSE ON
The girl. Her eyes bright with frightened tears.

TUXEDO
Smiles. Takes her hand. Raises her arm.

AUCTIONEER
Ladies and gentlemen,
I’m pleased to introduce you to
Elena Markova from Romania.
You will be bidding on having the opportunity
to have dinner with her at Le Cirque,
followed by an evening at the opera.
And please don’t be shy about your bidding --
remember, all proceeds from this auction are going to charity.
So let’s get out those checkbooks and give, in the holiday spirit.

GERO
Nudges Swarthy. Chuckles.

GERO
Yeah. To me.

BLUE
Watches with Tolly.
Curious. Something’s a little -- off.
Maybe Carrie was right about him.

ELENA
Stands next to the auctioneer.
A tear runs down her cheek.

THE AUCTIONEER
Beams.

AUCTIONEER
The bidding will start at fifty-thousand dollars.
(BANGS the gavel)
Do I hear fifty-thousand dollars?

BLUE
Turns to Tolly.

BLUE
I need to go to the ladies’ room.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Deck The Fucking Halls

Happy Hump Day, crimestoppers. You say your feeling a bit down? Frustrated with life? Angry as hell, and can't take it anymore? Then get your asses over to the coolest hardboiled-pulp crime joint in cyberspace, where the action is HOT ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's fresh, steaming joint from LITTLE GIRL BLUE, where things are picking up steam.

Private eye Carrie Love gets a voicemail on her cell phone from her mother that her brother was just killed in a hit and run accident ... on Christmas Eve, no less ... but since she and her little bro didn't get along, she postpones dealing with it, and instead decides to follow her new client, amateur stripper/college coed Blue Wonder, who is in the company of Tolly Chill, the strip club manager, as something is just 'not right' about him ...


EXT. FANTASY ISLAND STRIP CLUB - PARKING LOT - NIGHT
A black SUPER-STRETCH LIMO sits idling.
The DRIVER gets out. Opens the rear door.
Stands at attention.

Nearby, Carrie sits in her ‘68 OLDSMOBILE DELTA 88 CONVERTIBLE.
Pulls out her cell phone. Checks her voice mail.

CARRIE’S MOTHER (V.O.)
Carrie, it’s your mother --
(gasps)
Tad -- was in a -- car accident,
a drunk driver hit him -- he, he --
(beat)
He’s dead, Carrie. Oh, my god -- he’s DEAD.
On CHRISTMAS. You have to come home, NOW.
Call me as soon as you get this message, okay?
Call me, RIGHT AWAY.

CLICK.

CARRIE
Shit.

TOLLY AND BLUE
Walk toward the limo. Get in.
Driver closes the door.

CARRIE
Turns the key in the ignition.
The V8 engine ROARS.

CARRIE (CONT’D)
You can choose your friends --

EXT. 10 FREEWAY - LIMO - MOVING - NIGHT
The super-stretch cruises east in the fast lane.

BEHIND THE LIMO
We see Carrie’s white whale tailing it, two cars back.

ANGLE ON --
Carrie. Driving. Cigarette dangling from her lip.

CARRIE (V.O.)
I had a funny feeling about Tolly Chill.
Something just wasn’t right.
So I decided to keep an eye on Little Girl Blue.
I always feel protective of youth and innocence.
Part of my code.
(beat)
I hadn’t spoken to my brother Tad in eight years.
Little fucker was a right-wing, born-again Christian.
Didn’t approve of my ‘lifestyle.’
That’s a good one, huh?
My YOUNGER BROTHER didn’t approve of --
(beat)
Sanctimonious little shit.
(beat)
My father and I had been on the outs for a long time.
We finally reconciled -- right before he died.
Told me that while we were in Splitsville,
he had made a fortune -- and that he was sorry,
but he had given all his money to his new wife --
and my brothers Tad and Seth.
That it was an irrevocable trust,
and he couldn’t change it.
My mother and I were left out in the cold.
(beat)
I told him it didn’t matter.
It wasn’t about the money.
I was just glad to have him back in my life.

Carrie FLICKS her cigarette into the night.

CARRIE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Now, a few years later --
I gotta confess, it eats at me sometimes.
I’ve had to scratch and claw to survive in the world,
while my brothers have lived in the lap of luxury.
(beat)
They each got eight million.
My stepmother got fifteen.
And the house on the coast.
And the yacht. The condo in the Bahamas --
(beat)
I’ll call her tomorrow.
Tell her my battery was dead.
Takes a little time for me to fake grief.

Carrie pulls out a flask. Takes a long pull.

CARRIE (CONT’D)
What the fuck kinda name is Tolly Chill anyway?
Sure as hell isn’t one of the good guys.

EXT. LAUREL CANYON - MANSION - NIGHT
A swingin’ jazz version of some Christmas tune over --

A futuristic mansion at the top of Laurel Canyon.
A pool to the side of the joint juts out on stilts into the sky.
The skyline glitters down below. Clear. Crisp. Gorgeous.

A big party is in full-swing.
The landscape is dotted with GUESTS milling about.
Music plays on hidden loudspeakers.
Festive holiday decorations abound.

Christmas in Hollywood.

IN THE FRONT
The super-stretch pulls up to the VALETS.
One of them opens the door.
Tolly and Blue step out.

BLUE
This is -- amazing.

TOLLY
Welcome to paradise, baby.
Hot and cold running pleasure.
Deck the fucking halls.
(beat)
Excuse my French --

DOWN THE STREET
Carrie parks the Olds. Gets out. Starts walking.

INT. MANSION - BALLROOM - NIGHT
A groovy world beat throbs over --

A cavernous space, art-directed to death.
Glossy, outre environs.
The kinda joint you see in coffee table books.
Like the UN of swinging parties.

ROCK MUSICIANS, POLITICIANS, WEALTHY INDUSTRIALISTS,
HEDGE FUND HIPSTERS, PRO ATHLETES, FASHIONISTAS
mingle and chatter with cocktails.

Tolly leads Blue through the crowd, in a daze.
He stops in front of a group of guests in a small cluster.

TOLLY
Everybody, I’d like you to meet Blue.
She’s my honored guest this evening.
Ripe for the picking, and available to the highest bidder.
Talk about a stocking stuffer.
(off her look)
I’m KIDDING.

A bleached blonde ROCK STAR looks her over. Smiles.

BLEACHED BLONDE ROCK STAR
Hey, babe. Maybe later on we can shake our tail feathers.
Find some mistletoe.

BLUE
Ohmigod. I’m a -- big fan.

BLEACHED BLONDE ROCK STAR
That makes two of us.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

I Run This Joint

Happy Tuesday, crime motherfuckers. Are you ready to get your rocks off? Then belly up to the bar and get your daily steaming slice of hardboiled pulp, served hot and nasty ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's joint from LITTLE GIRL BLUE, where the plot not only thickens, it congeals.

Private eye Carrie Love and her new client, college coed/amateur stripper Blue Wonder toast to Carrie's helping Blue find out who killed her sister, but are interrupted by Tolly Chill, the manager of the strip club, who not only hires Blue after her disastrous audition, but also invites her to a party in the Hollywood Hills ...


INT. FANTASY ISLAND STRIP CLUB - BAR - NIGHT
Blue smiles at Carrie. They toast to their new working relationship.

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
There she is. The lovely Miss Blue.

TOLLY CHILL
Appears before them. Suave.
Eyes crinkled with satisfaction.

BLUE
Oh, hi.

TOLLY
I’m Tolly. I run this joint.

BLUE
OH. Nice to meet you.
(beat)
I’m so embarrassed --

He raises her hand to his lips.
Kisses it. Smiles.

TOLLY
Nonsense. You were wonderful.
In fact, I’d like to offer you a job. Dancing.

CARRIE
See? What did I tell you?

TOLLY
(ignores Carrie, to Blue)
I’m going to a little holiday soirĂ©e in the Hollywood Hills tonight --
and I’d love for you to accompany me.

BLUE
A party? In the Hollywood Hills?

TOLLY
Should be fun. Nice mix of people.
Movie stars, pro athletes, rock stars, politicians.
(smiles)
I’d be honored.

BLUE
Sure. I’d be honored.

TOLLY
Terrific. I have to go take care of some business in the back office.
Stay here, have a drink on me, and I’ll be back in a few minutes.

BLUE
Okay --

He bows. Turns, walks away. Carrie watches him.

BLUE (CONT’D)
Holy SHIT. A party in the Hollywood Hills.

CARRIE
There’s something -- off about him.

BLUE
Don’t be silly. He’s cute.

CARRIE
Just be careful.

BLUE
He seems like a complete gentlemen.

CARRIE
Sure. All guys who run strip clubs are 'complete gentlemen.'

BLUE
If I didn’t know better, I’d say you’re jealous.

Pause.

CARRIE
If you’re going to hire my services,
you’re going to have to trust my judgment.
(off her stare)
Look. I’ve been around the block.
There’s a lot of sharks in this town
that can make a meal out of a gal like you.
Just be careful, okay? Keep your eyes open.

BLUE
Okay.

CARRIE
Okay. And don’t be afraid to call me if anything gets -- weird.
Any time of the day or night.
Think of me like a big sister.

BLUE
I like that --

TOLLY
Appears. All smiles. Eyes flashing.

TOLLY
Are you ready to go?

BLUE
I need to go to the ladies room.
Be back in a sec.

She slides off her stool.
Grabs her purse.
Heads for the loo.
Tolly and Carrie appraise each other.

TOLLY
(watches her)
Gorgeous girl.
(turns, looks at Carrie)
So what’s your story?

CARRIE
(hands him her card)
Carrie Love, PI. A friend.

TOLLY
(reads the card)
It’s nice to see the young lady has --
people watching out for her.
(weird smile)
Can’t be too careful these days.

PUSH IN Carrie.
Finishing her drink.

CARRIE
Gotta watch out for those sharks.
(sips her beer)
Especially when you’re living in a fishbowl.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Fast, Cheap & Out Of Control

Happy Monday, crime kids. Are you looking for adventure? Some cheap, sleazy hardboiled thrills? Then you've come to the right ... or wrong ... place, where the chicks are hot, the violence cold, and bloodletting non-stop ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's joint from LITTLE GIRL BLUE, where things are starting to heat up.

First up, we meet a pair of sleazy thugs who accept delivery of under-aged white slaves at the airport ...

Meanwhile, private eye Carrie Love decides to help amateur dancer/college coed Blue Wonder find out who killed her stripper sister, Jonna ...


EXT. SANTA MONICA AIRPORT - NIGHT
A small PROPELLER AIRPLANE sits on the runway.
Like something out of an old movie. Does this thing really FLY?

A van is parked nearby. Two LARGE GOONS get out.
Walk over to the plane. The TALLER GOON,
wearing shades and a porkpie hat, pulls out his cell.
Punches a number.

PORKPIE HAT GOON
We’re here.
(listens)
Asshole. I told you to FEED them.

The airplane door opens.
Porkpie Hat looks at the SHORTER GOON,
who takes a sip from a flask.

PORKPIE HAT GOON (CONT'D)
We might have three instead of four.

FLASK GOON
Long flight. No peanuts.

A ramp is lowered from the open doorway.
The goons walk up.

INSIDE THE PLANE
FOUR UNDERAGED ROMANIAN GIRLS (15-16)
sit huddled on the floor in chains.
One of them has vomited all over herself.

A SKINNY CROATIAN MAN (40’s) looks at them.
Shakes his head.

SKINNY CROATIAN MAN
Not my fault. Boss said no more smack.

PORKPIE HAT GOON
I’ve got a rag in the van. C’mon, let’s move it.
Gotta big party tonight in the hills.
And Santa’s gotta deliver the presents.

INT. FANTASY ISLAND STRIP CLUB - AT THAT MOMENT
Blue sits at far end of the bar with Carrie.
She’s now wearing jeans and a belly shirt.
They sip bottles of beer.

BLUE
I’m so embarrassed.

CARRIE
Don’t be. You were great.
(beat)
Minor detail.

BLUE
But I fucking FELL.

CARRIE
Adds to your charm.
They’re gonna offer you a job.
Just you wait.

Pause.

BLUE
So -- you’re a private detective.

CARRIE
I am. But keep it under your hat.
I come here to do a Garbo.
(pulls out her card)
Here. Just in case --

BLUE
(takes it, reads)
Fast, Cheap & Out of Control?

CARRIE
Marketing gimmick.
(takes a swig)
And it gives Joe Average a hard-on.

BLUE
How much do you charge?

CARRIE
Too much.
(beat)
Are you in some kind of trouble?

BLUE
It’s -- about my sister.

CARRIE
Is she in trouble?

Pause.

BLUE
She -- died.

CARRIE
I’m sorry. What happened?

Blue looks around.
Makes sure no one is listening.

BLUE
They said she committed suicide.
But that’s not true.
She’d never do that. Never.
Jonna would NEVER do that.
No way.
(looks again)
She was a dancer here.
Jonna was trying to make it as an actress,
said this was just temporary,
that the money was great,
the people were nice,
and that she was making some great contacts.
(sips her beer)
She wrote me once a week.
Then the letters stopped.
My parents were contacted by the police,
they said she’d killed herself.
(angry)
But she DIDN’T. I KNOW she didn’t.
(hisses)
Someone KILLED her.

CARRIE
I’m -- sorry.
(beat)
I was wondering what a nice girl like you
was doing here on Christmas Eve.

BLUE
I’m on break from college.
My parents think I’m on campus studying.
They’re really upset with me.
(eyes tearing up)
I’m gonna find out who KILLED her.

Pause.

Carrie stares at her.

CARRIE
I’ll do it.

BLUE
But you said you were too expense --

CARRIE
I am. But I made a bundle on my last case.
Time for me to pay it forward.
You know, karma.
(smiles)
Dirty deeds, done dirt cheap.
(beat)
Ho, ho, ho.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Here's Looking At You, Kid

You say you’re feeling bored? Stressed out? Ready to explode? Wanna get up on the roof with a high-powered assault rifle and start picking off pedestrians? Then get your skinny asses over to the coolest crime joint in cyberspace … at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's joint from LITTLE GIRL BLUE ...

Wherein private eye Carrie Love takes in 'amateur night' at the Fantasy Island strip club, and watches the delicious, young Blue Wonder work the pole ...

INT. STRIP CLUB - NIGHT
Carrie and Blue sit at the bar.
The bartender places the beer and shot in front of Blue.
Carrie pulls out a money clip. Peels off a fifty. Tosses it.

CARRIE
Leave the bottle. Keep the change.

Bartender gives her a look.
Takes the bill. Glides away.

Carrie fills her shot glass.
Raises it in a toast.
Blue raises hers.
They CLINK.

CARRIE
Here’s lookin’ at you, kid.

They down them.
Grab their beers.
Take a swig. Smile.

BLUE
So -- you’re not a dancer --

CARRIE
(pours two more)
Hell, no. I’m a dick.

BLUE
A what?

Carrie does her shot.
Blue follows. Staring.

CARRIE
(pours two more)
Private dick.
You know, missing persons.
Cheating spouses. Serial killers.
Cat stuck in a tree. The usual.

BLUE
You’re a private detective?

The song ends.
The DJ’S Voice BOOMS over the sound system.

OILY DJ
Give it up for GOTHIKA, fellas.
Wasn’t she AMAZING?

A smattering of half-hearted applause.

CARRIE
(raises her shot)
To Gothika --

BLUE
Gothika.

They down them.
Carrie pours two more.
They toast.

CARRIE
Liquid courage.

Blue NODS.
They both SLAM THEM.

OILY DJ (O.C.)
Up next, we have the lovely MISS BLUE.

BLUE
Shit, that’s ME.

She hops off the stool.
Pulls a CD out of her bag.

BLUE
Wish me luck.

CARRIE
Luck has nothing to do with it.
Not with that chassis.

Blue grins. Turns to go.
Stops. Looks at Carrie.

BLUE
I’d like to talk to you about something.
You gonna stick around?

CARRIE
Consider me stuck.

Blue smiles.
Trots off toward the stage.

STANDING IN A DARK CORNER
Is TOLLY CHILL (27), dark-haired, smouldering good looks.
The manager, and the owner’s son.
Cock of the walk.

TOLLY
(watching the stage)
Fresh off the boat.
(chuckles)
Catch of the day.

MUSIC
EXPLODES.
The whip-cream, pussycat chainsaw-snarl
of Groove Coverage’s 21ST CENTURY DIGITAL GIRL.

ONSTAGE
Blue GRABS the pole.
Wraps a long, lean thigh around it.
Moves to the music.

She’s pretty good.
Looks awesome.
And scared to death.

She closes her eyes.
The alcohol starts doing its trick.

She relaxes. Starts getting into it.
Starts singing along.

BLUE
'I got breast implants, paid for by my boyfriends --
I got a Botox injection under my skin --
I only play with sex, but I don't let them in -- '

And suddenly Blue’s ON FIRE.
She WORKS it.
Undulates to the edge of the stage.

Dollar bills go FLYING.

A PIG-FACED SALESMAN
Licks his lips. Eyes big as saucers.

PIG-FACED SALESMAN
Yeah, honey -- GIVE IT UP.

BLUE
Twirls around.
Unhooks her halter top.
It FLIES off.

She grabs her breasts in her hands.
Starts flicking the nipples.

CARRIE
Watches from the bar.

CARRIE
She’s a natural.

BLUE
Goes to the pole.
LEAPS UP, GRABS it with her thighs.
Rides it like a horse. KICKS a leg out --

And she SLIPS, FALLS,
and HITS the floor with a CRACK.

She lies motionless.
Then JUMPS UP and RUNS off the stage.

AT THE BAR
The bartender leans over to Carrie.
Shakes his head.

BARTENDER
Another one bites the dust.

CARRIE
You’re just jealous cause you can’t have her.

BARTENDER
And you can?

CARRIE
Don’t look now, but Dr. Phil down there
needs another Harvey Wallbanger.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Jerry Garcia, Eat Your Heart Out

Happy Thursday, crime fucks. Are you looking for some cheap, tawdry thrills? A hardboiled kick in the ass? Then you've come to the right place, a world full of strippers, mobsters and freaky private eyes ... at That Killing Feeling.

Time for the start of a new story today, folks. You just read the first Carrie Love private eye joint, LEGS ... and now it's time to unveil the most recent one, written earlier this year ...

In LITTLE GIRL BLUE, Carrie 'meets cute' with Blue Wonder, a young girl who's sister Jonna was murdered. The cops say it was a suicide, but Blue knows that 'just ain't true.'

Problem is, Jonna was working as a stripper. So Blue ditches going home from college to her parent's house on Christmas Eve ...

To go undercover at her strip club.

Ladies and gentlemen, get ready for a 'fucked-up Christmas' ...

Hope you enjoy.


EXT. STRIP CLUB - NIGHT
The gut-kicking metal PUNCH
of The Cult’s LOVE REMOVAL MACHINE over --
Fantasy Island Gentleman’s Club.
About a mile from the beach on the outskirts of Santa Monica.
Not exactly in disrepair, but not fancy, either.
A meat and potatoes strip joint.

Parking lot a quarter-full on a Sunday night.
Sign reads ‘AmateUr NiGht’. ‘HApPy HolIdaze.’

FEMALE VOICE (O.C.)
The ‘Gentleman’s club’ is an interesting phenomenon.
Men will pay hard-earned cash to go to a place
where they can see naked women.
Where they can look, but not touch.
And they’ll spend even more money for a private dance,
where they can get ‘up close and personal’ with a girl.
(beat)
But there’s still no touching allowed.
No contact whatsoever. It’s the ultimate tease.
A gentle torture. Erotic pleasure -- with no release.
No climax. No -- closure.
(beat)
Kinda like going to a restaurant and not being able to eat.
Or going to a whorehouse and not being able to --
(beat)
Never mind. You get the idea.

ANGLE ON --
A beat-up Dodge Dart Swinger convertible.

A YOUNG WOMAN sits behind the wheel.
Listening to the music on the car stereo.
Nodding her head, eyes closed.
PUNCHING her fists in the air.

Meet BLUE WONDER (20),
recent transplant from the Midwest.
Tall and gawky, a gazelle still on the cusp.
Long brown hair tied in a ponytail.
Studious-looking glasses.

Which clashes with her denim cutoffs and black vinyl halter top.
Not to mention the six-inch platforms.

ANGLE ON --
Her lovely tan legs move to the music.

ANGLE ON --
She takes off her glasses.
Puts them on the dashboard.

RIPS out her scrunchie.
SHAKES her hair like a wild woman.

BLUE
(sings)
'Scarlet woman, bought me a be-er --'

She stops. SHUTS OFF the music.
Looks in the rearview mirror.

BLUE (CONT’D)
I can’t do it.
What the hell was I thinking.

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
You dancing tonight?

A GOOD-LOOKING JOCK appears next to the car. Grinning.

BLUE
I was -- thinking about it.

GOOD-LOOKING JOCK
Better think harder.
You’ll win, no problem.

BLUE
You really think so?

GOOD-LOOKING JOCK
You’re not from around here, are you?

BLUE
It shows, huh.

INT. FANTASY ISLAND - MOMENTS LATER
Marilyn Manson’s THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE, LOUD, over --

The club. Dark, with a bar running along one wall.
A handful of CUSTOMERS on stools.
A couple of DANCERS lounge at the end, chatting.
Christmas decorations look odd, out of place.

The BARTENDER cleans a glass, watching -

THE STAGE
On it, GOTHIKA (18), pale, skinny --
and, you guessed it --
totally goth, is working the pole.

Down to her black G-string.
Pierced nipple rings glistening in the pin-spot.

She looks great, if you like that death-warmed-over look.
But she’s jacked up on something -- speed, maybe PCP --
and it’s making her move more like a stormtrooper than a stripper.

Even the Santa hat doesn’t help.

THE FRONT DOOR
Opens. In walks Blue.

She’s made up her face.
Almost unrecognizable.
Painted, tarted-up.
And scared to death.

She walks over to the bar.
Tentative in platforms.

Sits precariously on a stool.
Bartender glides over. Pounces.

BARTENDER
Here for the contest?

BLUE
Uh -- yeah.

BARTENDER
Name your poison.
On the house.

BLUE
A Heinekin and a shot, please.

BARTENDER
Jack okay?

BLUE
Sure. Thanks.

He turns to get her drink.

FEMALE VOICE (O.C.)
Woman after my own heart.

Blue turns, looks, sees --

CARRIE LOVE
On the stool next to her.
Rakish in jeans,
white t-shirt and motorcycle jacket.
Ponytail. Naughty red lips.

Bright blue eyes full of secrets.
What momma warned you about.

We recognize her voice from the opening voiceover.

CARRIE
Shot and a beer.
Simple. Perfect.
All-American.

BLUE
Uh -- yeah.

CARRIE
(offers hand to shake)
Carrie Love.
Just making small-talk.
I would imagine you’re a bit nervous.

BLUE
(takes it, shakes)
Hi. Yeah. Thanks. I’m -- Blue.

CARRIE
Blue?
I would have figured you for a Becky or a Susie.
Heather, maybe.

BLUE
Parents are old hippies.

Carrie raises her shot glass --

CARRIE
Jerry Garcia, eat your heart out.

And DOWNS it.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Kitten With A Whip

Happy Hump Day, crime humpsters. Are you looking for some action? Cheap thrills? Saucy vixens carrying semi-automatic weapons? Then you've come to the right place, where the hardboiled pulp is served cold ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's joint from LEGS, which is the exciting conclusion to our story ... in which private eye Carrie Love, having won her battle against demented snuff filmmaker Klaus Speer and evil CIA black ops spook The Bagger, gets a little 'hot under the collar' with Interpol agent Felina Bella Donna ...


EXT. CLUB FUCK - BACK ALLEY - NIGHT
A dumpster rattles. The lid slowly opens.
Carrie starts to crawl out. She's a battered mess.
A beam of light flashes on her. It's JOSH TOTT.

TOTT
Holy shit. Are you alright, Miss?

She slips over the edge. Hits the ground.

CARRIE
Ow. Fuck.
(beat)
Yeah, I guess so -- nothing seems to be broken.

Carrie squints at the agent, his jacket.

CARRIE (CONT'D)
You're FBI? How OLD are you?

TOTT
A hell of a lot younger than YOU.

A standoff. The defensive and the damaged.

CARRIE
Hey, I'm sorry, okay?
I almost bit the dust back there.
Makes a girl a little cranky.

TOTT
I understand.
(beat)
I want you to stay here, okay?
Don't move. I'm gonna go get a medic.

He turns to go.

CARRIE
Hey, can I ask you a question?

TOTT
Maybe.

CARRIE
You guys worked with CO2 on this thing, right?

TOTT
I'm afraid that's classified information.

CARRIE
I know that. Hold on a sec.
This thing is killing me.

She slowly, heavily, unzips the front of her cat suit,
revealing her glistening cleavage in a black lace bra.

CARRIE (CONT'D)
God, does that feel good.

The agent takes in the view. Starts to thaw.

CARRIE (CONT'D)
I was working with agent Bella Donna.
Do you know her? Have you seen her?

TOTT
(impressed)
You mean 'the kitten with a whip?'

CARRIE
The one and only.

TOTT
She split. She was in a big hurry --
said something about taking a trip somewhere.

CARRIE
A trip?

TOTT
Stay put. I'll be right back.

He leaves. Carrie looks like she's going to collapse.
A light drizzle starts to fall. She starts walking.

INT. ASTON MARTIN - NIGHT
The rain softly hits the roof. Carrie blows her nose.

CARRIE (V.O.)
I crack my first real case,
and everybody I want to celebrate with is either dead or gone.
The cheese stands alone. With no crackers.
(beat)
Sorry I don’t have a happy ending for you.
I bet a test audience would hate this part.
Can’t market the downer ending in the multiplex.
The chick sort of gets the bad guys --
but she doesn’t get the girl.
(a bitter laugh)
And it’s a girl.
Like that’s gonna play in Peoria.

She opens the glove compartment.
Takes out a flask.

CARRIE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Our conflicted heroine bottoms out.
Spirals down into a black hole of depression,
self-loathing, self-destruction.
(beat)
McKenzie Phillips can play me in the Lifetime movie.

Carrie listens to the rain.
Coming down hard now.
She takes a long pull of her savior.
Pushes back burning tears.

Someone POUND-POUNDS
on the driver's side window.
Fogged up.

FEMALE VOICE (O.C.)
(muffled)
Hey! What are you doing in there?

Carrie rolls down the window.
It’s FELINA. Holy shit.

CARRIE
Felina? You --

FELINA
There you are.
I've been looking all over for you.

CARRIE
You have?

FELINA
You're kidding, right?
Hold on a sec, I'm getting fucking soaked.

She races around the car.
Jumps in. SLAMS the door.

FELINA (CONT'D)
Real London weather out there.
Don't miss it.

CARRIE
I, uh -- was, uh --

FELINA
Hey. You've been crying.

Carrie opens her mouth. Nothing.

FELINA (CONT'D)
Oh my god. Did you think I left?

CARRIE
(tiny voice)
They said you were going on a trip.

FELINA
(leans over, strokes her hair)
Well, I am. I got five weeks vacation time coming to me.
(beat)
And I hear you've got this smashing
little bachelorette pad at the beach.

Silence. Total swoon.
And they kiss. Passionately.
Totally devour each other.

This is it, folks. The real thing.

CARRIE’S THEME starts, as --
Felina's knee hits a button on the dashboard.
The roof FLIES OFF.

THE CAMERA pushes up above the car,
the women going at it.

Carrie’s elbow SMACKS a panel on the steering wheel.
Clouds of smoke BILLOW OUT from the tailpipes.

A crowd gathers. FBI. SWAT. CLUB KIDS. A NEWS CREW.

Felina’s got Carrie on her back on the front seat.
No one else in the world.

Carrie’s boot CRACKS against the gear shift.
Knives CHING-CHING from the hubcaps.

The crowd BURSTS into applause.

THE CAMERA pushes higher, higher --
and a shield POPS UP from the trunk.
Machine guns FLIP OUT,
RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT --
and the crowd SCREAMS, starts RUNNING.

CLOSE ON --
The car’s glove box.
Carrie GRABS IT for dear life.

CARRIE (O.C.)
God, yes -- rule Britannia.

In a throw of passion, her wrist SLAPS a round black button.

ROBOTIC FEMALE VOICE (O.C.)
Ejection seat engaged. Good-bye.

Carrie and Felina exchange horrified looks.
The speaker box CRACKLES.

ROBOTIC FEMALE VOICE (CONT'D)
Activation terminated due to short circuit from -- dampness.

CARRIE (V.O.)
And then, for the first time in my life --
(beat)
Getting laid saved my ass.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Go Ahead. Rock Me, Amadeus

Happy Tuesday, crime motherfuckers. Are you looking for a good time? Or, shall we say, a BAD time? Then get your double-barelled asses over to the coolest hardboiled joint in cyberspace, where the guns are hot, the chicks are cold, and the action delirious ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's joint from LEGS, kids ... where we arrive at the next-to-last chapter of our story. (I know, it's exciting. Remain calm. We'll be serving drinks afterwards.)

And now we return to demented snuff filmmaker Klaus Speer's underground lair, deep below Club Fuck, where he has private eye Carrie Love and interpol agent/'dominatrix to the stars' Felina Bella Donna hostage ... and we discover that Carrie has a few tricks up her ... boot.


INT. - CLUB FUCK - BASEMENT - NIGHT
A knife flashes. SLITS ZIVA'S THROAT. She falls with a THUD.
The Bagger appears. Waving a red-smeared butcher knife.

THE BAGGER
Put 'em where I can see 'em, Speer.
And relax your sphincter muscles, cause I'm coming in.

He licks blood off the knife.

THE BAGGER (CONT'D)
Mmm, low T-cell count. Delicious.

KLAUS
Norman. Now this is a pleasant surprise.
Please come in. I hope you're still not mad at me.

The Bagger sees the women.
The set. The camera. Walks around.

THE BAGGER
I'm sorry to disrupt your creative process,
Speer, but we're going on a little trip.

VOICE (O.C.)
Everybody FREEZE! You're under arrest!

VALENTINE
stands in the doorway. With a pair of sawed-off shotguns.

VALENTINE
I swear, either one of you so much as fart,
and I'll fucking blow your dick off.

KLAUS
Why is everybody so preoccupied with my willy?

VALENTINE
Get on the fucking floor, now!

O’HENRY
appears next to Valentine.
With a pair of service revolvers.

O'HENRY
You heard the officer, DO IT.

They lie down.

VALENTINE
O'Henry, you motherfucker.
Glad you could make it.

O'HENRY
Hey, what are partners for.
(beat)
I finished the puzzle.

EXT. CLUB FUCK - ROOF - NIGHT
A military HELICOPTER hovers over the roof.
COMMANDOS fly down on cables like lethal puppets in black.

EXT. CLUB FUCK - FRONT ENTRANCE - CONTINUOUS
Dozens of FEDERAL AGENTS and SWAT COPS
prepare for battle behind blockades, shields, assault vehicles.

JOSH TOTT, the HIPSTER AGENT, shouts into a bullhorn.

TOTT
Klaus Speer, this is the FBI!
We have the building surrounded!
Come out with your hands up and no one will get hurt!
I repeat -- this is the FBI!
Everyone please exit the premises IMMEDIATELY!

INSIDE THE CLUB
the music dies. Floodlights SNAP ON.
The crowd freezes, in shock.
They panic, SCREAM.
Stampede for the exits.

OUTSIDE THE CLUB
a tidal wave of leather, chrome and rubber rushes out.

IN THE STUDIO
the Bagger raises his wrists, Christ-like.

THE BAGGER
I haven’t had this much fun since brunch at Jeff Dahmer’s place.

And, fast as a whip -- so fast we almost can’t see it --
38 Specials FLY OUT from his cuffs -- SLAP into his palms.

Bullets RIP into Valentine and O'Henry, who hit the ground.
The assassin kicks their bodies out. He SLAMS the door.

Speer and the Bagger face off, weapons drawn.
Klaus’ face is now distorted. Swollen. Darker.

KLAUS
It would appear to be a checkmate.

THE BAGGER
That's stalemate, you fucking immigrant.

One of Klaus' ears falls off. Hits the floor.

KLAUS
Huh?

He touches his hand to his head, looks at it. Sees the blood.

THE BAGGER
Jesus, that's disgusting.
Talk about a swelled head --
you look like that guy in "Scanners."
I warn you -- if your head explodes,
you better not fucking get any of it on me.

Carrie giggles. Riding the wave of toxic pleasure.

CARRIE
Hey look, it's Vincent Van Gogh.
(to Klaus)
Hey, Vinnie -- can you lend me an ear?

FELINA
Carrie, don’t provoke him!

KLAUS
Shut up! All of you!

CARRIE
looks at Felina.
Gives the slightest of winks. Felina nods.

CARRIE
Fellas. I thought we were gonna have a party.
We got two guys, two girls -- really good drugs --

THE BAGGER
narrows his eyes. Thinks a moment.

THE BAGGER
(to Klaus)
Is that door secure?

KLAUS
Secure? It’s a bunker, a fallout shelter, bag-man.
They're gonna have to fucking drop the big one to get in here.

They lower their guns. Look at the women.

KLAUS (CONT'D)
Go ahead, shut the bitch up.
Be the star of your own porno.

The Bagger smiles, loosens his belt.

THE BAGGER
Rape and pillage time.

Klaus goes to the camera.
The Bagger leers at Carrie.

THE BAGGER (CONT'D)
I'm gonna do you first -- you got bigger cans.

CARRIE
Fuck me, killer. Take me to the dark side.

KLAUS
zooms in. Focuses.

THE BAGGER
unbuckles his trousers.

THE BAGGER
That’s the idea, you fucking whore.
I’m gonna come -- and you’re gonna go.

Carrie eyes focus. A glimmer of fire.
She concentrates, and --
as CARRIE’S THEME rises up --

CLOSE ON --
The toe of her boot.
A shiny steel blade FLIES OUT.

She JAMS it in the Bagger's crotch.
He SCREAMS in pain.

CARRIE
Take THAT, mystery date from hell.
You’ve been voted OFF the island.

He doubles over, looks at Carrie, in shock.

She works her tongue, takes aim --
and SPITS her chemical weapon in his mouth. Gulp.

CARRIE (CONT'D)
A little something to end your plague,
you fucking jack-off.

SHOUTING MALE VOICE (O.C.)
In there!

A battering ram POUNDS on the door. It BUCKLES.
A tear gas canister FLIES down from an air shaft --
Hits the floor, starts BILLOWING SMOKE.

Felina RIPS her hands free from the cuffs.

CARRIE
How the hell did you do that?

She pulls out a tiny saw, starts on Carrie's cuffs.

FELINA
Trade secret.

KLAUS
pulls out a grenade.
Smiles at Carrie and Felina.

KLAUS
Not so fast, women in peril --
time for a little plot twist.

CARRIE
(to Felina)
He’s bluffing.
(to Klaus)
Go ahead -- rock me, Amadeus.

He pulls the pin. Shakes his head.

KLAUS
Stupid bitch. Falco was Austrian.

An earth-shattering EXPLOSION rocks the studio.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Only The Real Tuna Get To Be Star-Fucked

Happy Monday, crime slicksters. Are you ready for the taste of cold, blue steel? Looking for a steaming slice of hardboiled pulp that will knock your teeth out? Then look no further, because it's your lucky ... or unlucky day ... when you get That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's joint from LEGS, where the action is really heating up. We're nearing the exciting conclusion of this wild ride, so you better strap yourself in ... and strap one on ...

When private eye Carrie Love and Interpol agent/'dominatrix to the stars' Felina Bella Donna fall into the evil clutches of demented snuff filmmaker Klaus Speer, in his underground lair, deep below Club Fuck ...


INT. BASEMENT - PRODUCTION STUDIO - NIGHT
The dull THUMP-THUMP-THUMP of club music from above
infects the dimly lit, hellish, claustrophobic catacomb.

Carrie and Felina are strapped tightly to twin gurneys.
Between them, a tray of nasty-looking operating instruments.
Heavily sedated, they look dead.
Catsuits zipped open to the waist.
Revealing bright red incision marks on their necks.

CARRIE (V.O.)
In Hollywood they call this scene the ordeal.
The hero seems to die, but then comes back to life,
reborn, changed, transformed.
(beat)
Like that scene in STAR WARS?
When they're trapped in that trash compactor
and that big tentacle thing grabs Luke
and drags him under the water?
And you see the air bubbles slowly stop?
Shit, I thought I was gonna pee my pants.
(beat)
Enough deconstruction.
I mean, hell, you paid ten bucks to go on this ride.
Who needs an ironic voice-over to spoil the fun.
(beat)
But I gotta warn you,
this would NOT be a good time to get popcorn.

FELINA
opens her eyes.

ANGLE ON:
A prescription bottle on the tray with the top open.

FELINA
focuses, concentrates. Purses her lips -- and spits.
Her missile lands in the vial with a CRACK.

ACROSS THE ROOM
at the light board, Klaus pushes up a pair of faders, and --

A small version of The Hollywood Squares set lights up.
The cubbyholes are dark, glass jars faintly visible inside.

The evil auteur gets the pill bottle. Crunches down a few.

KLAUS
Sorry to disrupt your beauty sleep --
(SLAPS Carrie in the face)
But it's time for tonight’s show!

Carrie stirs, barely opens her eyes, groggy. Under water.

CARRIE
Okay, Laura -- I'm getting up, I'm getting up --

KLAUS
turns to Felina. SMACKS her in the face.

KLAUS
Wake up, turncoat -- time to RISE AND SHINE.

FELINA
Ow, hey -- that HURT.

Carrie looks around, sees the vicious instruments, the set --
and THRASHES against the restraints, a caged animal.

CARRIE
You sick fuck! You fucking freak show!
How DARE you! What THE FUCK did I ever do to you?!
Huh?! You murdered the love of my life!
I'm gonna fucking kill you, you hear me, asshole?

Klaus shakes his head sadly, reaches for a syringe.

KLAUS
A little ride on the horsie should calm you down.

He unwraps the package.
A six-inch needle. He SQUIRTS it.

CARRIE
(screams)
Calm me DOWN? Calm me DOWN?
The only thing that's going to CALM ME DOWN
is when I fucking CUT OFF your --

And JAMS it into her thigh.

CARRIE (CONT'D)
Motherfucker! NO!

The drug hits her like a lead balloon. Instantly wasted.
Klaus laughs, which makes his head ache. He takes more pills.

KLAUS
Hot -- so hot --

FELINA
If you’re smart, Speer, you’ll let us go.
Pretty soon this place is gonna be swarming with Federal agents.
If you're a good boy you might avoid medical experimentation.

KLAUS
Yeah, right, and maybe I'll let you live.
(races to the camera)
You know how to play tic tac toe?

CARRIE
(drugged out)
I love -- game shows --

ANGLE ON:
The Hollywood Squares cubicles light up, revealing --

HUMAN HEADS.

LAURA in the center square, surrounded by
CHICK, MONICA LYNN, SHARON SAMMS,
MEGAN, ISABELLE, CINDY, JORELL and MICHAEL.

The women gasp at the unspeakable horror.
Carrie almost gets sick. Gulps it back down.
Felina’s eyes well up.

KLAUS
I know how you feel.
I was a little overwhelmed myself
when I first played the Squares.
Roseanne Barr scared the shit out of me.
(beat)
And her head was so much bigger in person.

Carrie's eyes flicker. She fights the drug.

CARRIE
Why did you do it, Klaus?
What the fuck did Laura do that put over the edge, huh?
Was it because she left you?
I can't believe a big, Teutonic stud like you
would freak out over losing a little snatch.

FELINA
Carrie, I don't think --

CARRIE
Shut up! I wanna know! I was just living my life,
doing my job, catching a few bad guys, fucking up a few marriages,
fucking my chick -- and this fuck, this Nazi prick
has to fucking CUT OFF her fucking head!
I wanna know WHY.

Klaus wipes his forehead. His skin is darker. Mottled.

KLAUS
You women think you're so smart.
That you're better than us.
That you have power over us --
because you control when we have sex.
(beat)
Well the joke's on you, Miss Legs.
I bet you had no idea.

CARRIE
No idea of what.

KLAUS
No idea.

CARRIE
No idea of what.

KLAUS
You sure you want to know?

CARRIE
Tell me, you fucking stormtrooper!

KLAUS
You really sure? I don't think you could handle it.
No, no, no -- you freak out, that's for sure.

CARRIE
(quiet)
Just tell me. Please.

KLAUS
Okay. But don't say I didn't warn you.
(with relish)
Well, you see -- the funny thing is, your little Laura?
(beat)
Used to be called LARRY.

He makes a “snip-snip” motion at his crotch.

CARRIE
How the hell did you know about that?

KLAUS
Sorry, Carrie.
Only the real tuna get to be star-fucked.

CARRIE
So that’s why you flipped out.
You’re not the cutting edge of kink,
you’re a just a garden-variety homophobe!

An urgent KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK at the door.

ZIVA (O.C.)
Klaus, it's me, Ziva! Open up!

KLAUS
This is not a good time, my little petunia.
Come back later.

ZIVA (O.C.)
Klaus! It's a fucking emergency!
That crackhead Roz grabbed the cash box,
and now he's up in the DJ booth with a gun!

KLAUS
(pulls out his piece)
I'll be right there!
(to the women)
You two stay put.
And don't forget the camera is rolling.
I'd hate to see this become a short subject.

He goes to the door. RIPS it open.
Ziva stands in the doorway.

ZIVA
Klaus, run! It's a trap --

A knife flashes. SLITS HER THROAT.
She falls with a THUD.

The Bagger appears.
Waving a red-smeared butcher knife.

THE BAGGER
Put 'em where I can see 'em, Speer.
And relax your sphincter muscles,
cause I'm coming in.