Thursday, May 21, 2009

Card-Carrying Carpet Muncher

Happy Thursday, crime whores. Are you ready for the real deal? Readt to take a trip to the dark side? A place where sins of the flesh are punished with pleasure? Then shut off your cell phone, turn down your I-pod, and bury your BlackBerry -- and come on in for a fresh, dark slab of pure pulp pleasure ...

Screened a GREAT flick last night, ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13, a remake of the old Roger Corman potboiler. Why didn't anyone see this? It was TERRIFIC. Amazing cast -- Brian Dennehy, Ethan Hawke, Lawrence Fishburn, Gabriel Bryne, Maria Bello -- and a delicious Drea de Mateo. Incredibly exciting story about a bunch of rogue cops attacking own of their own precinct -- they're trying to kill Fishburne, as he knows all their dirt. Problem is, they also have to kill the other prisoners -- and the other cops. Just goes to show what happens when you have no expectations. Simply awesome. Two guns u.

Onto another rip-roaring installment from Wilshire Boulevard. Gunshots are fired next door to private eye Carrie Love's house ... and she goes next door to investigate.

Let's rock n' roll ...

***

EXT. CARRIE’S JOINT - BATHROOM - DAY
The spazzy, liquid surf guitar and sax of
the Brian Setzer Orchestra’s HOLLYWOOD NOCTURNE wails over --

Carrie in a short, silk robe. Hair up in a towel.
Fresh-scrubbed. Wholesome.
If you squint your eyes.
She pads into --

THE KITCHEN
and goes to the fridge. Grabs an energy drink.
CRACKS it open. Takes a sip.
Looks out the window over the sink at --

THE HOUSE ACROSS THE ALLEY
an old, white-clapboard bungalow, like hers.
But this one is in serious disrepair.

Gunshots suddenly POP! POP! POP!

CARRIE
Sounds like the natives are restless.

She goes to the counter.
Reaches into a wicker basket.
Pulls out -- nothing.

CARRIE (CONT’D)
My Magnum --
(beat)
Shit.

She opens a cupboard. Pulls out a GLOCK.
Goes to the back door. Opens it.
Steps out into the alley. Listens.

CARRIE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Two people lived next door to me.
Paul Martune and Kip Slobotnik.
Both assholes. Maybe this was my lucky day.
Maybe they were dead.

Carrie creeps up to the back door.
Puts her ear to the door.

CARRIE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
All was quiet. Too quiet.
I could hear my heartbeat thump-thumping in my chest.

FOOTSTEPS.
Carrie turns --

CARRIE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
I felt a CRACK on my head.
(she falls, hits the ground)
And I fell down, deep down into a black hole,
swimming, under water,
the current pulling me down, down, down --
(beat)
Until I was gone.

EXT. CARRIE’S JOINT - REAR ALLEY - DUSK
Carrie lies on the flagstones. Towel askew.

FEMALE VOICE (O.C.)
Carrie? Are you okay?!

A YOUNG WOMAN (20’s) approaches,
all legs, boobs and hair.

Meet LANDON HALL, B-movie queen,
Carrie’s neighbor, former flame,
and complete knockout in a bikini and Rollerblades.
She shuffles over to Carrie’s body.

LANDON
Carrie!

She tries to reach down.
But the wheels SLIP on the smooth stone,
and she FLIPS up, and lands on her ass with a CRACK.

LANDON (CONT’D)
OW.
(beat)
Shit --

Carrie stirs. Opens her eyes. Looks at Landon.

CARRIE
Hey, doll-face.

LANDON
Hey, you. Are you okay? What happened?

Carrie rubs the back of her head.
Looks at her hand.

CARRIE
I heard gunshots, came over to check it out --
(beat)
And that’s the last I remember.

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
Well, that’s convenient.
Given that there’s a dead body in the living room.

Homicide detective BERNIE KEKO (40’s) appears.
Rugged good looks. Formerly buff, now a bit gone to seed.
World-weary eyes stare at the women,
the expanse of soft flesh.

CARRIE
Bernie. What the fuck are you doing here?

BERNIE
Well, let’s see -- when I heard on the police scanner
that gunshots were fired, next door to your place,
I just HAD to check out what trouble my ex-wife was in.

CARRIE
Hey. I was assaulted. I’m a citizen --

LANDON
THAT’S your ex-husband?

CARRIE
Unfortunately. Bernie, Landon, Landon, Bernie.

BERNIE
Please to meet you.
I saw that movie you did with Dana Plato,
Two Jills & A Jack.

CARRIE
Bernie --

BERNIE
Hey. It isn’t every day a guy gets to meet a real live movie star --

LANDON
Aw --

CARRIE
Bernie --

BERNIE
(to Landon)
So was your affair with my wife research for the role,
or are you a card-carrying carpet-muncher, too?

LANDON
What?

CARRIE
Ignore him.

Carrie pulls Landon up. They hug.

CARRIE (CONT'D)
C’mon, babe. Let’s get dressed.
I think we’ve given him enough jerk-off material for now.

LANDON
(fake-shocked)
Carrie!

CARRIE
(to Bernie)
Eat your heart out, copper.

BERNIE
You ladies get dressed.
I wanna check out the crime scene.
Then I’ll have some questions for you.

PUSH IN ON Carrie’s face.
Royally pissed.

CARRIE
Don’t hurry on my account --

2 comments:

  1. Well, John Carpenter's ASSAULT ... is one of my favourite films, not just because the cute little girl gets killed but it helps, so I've avoided the remake but ..maybe....

    ReplyDelete
  2. Kudos for correcting me, Paul. I'm so embarrassed. The original was directed by John Carpenter, NOT Roger Corman. This is a good one, trust me. Not normally a fan of remakes, but this one fucking ROCKS.

    ReplyDelete